Touhou Doujin: The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo
by Duwee Davis II
Summary: The second of a pair of 'sister spinoffs' of my 'Touhou Doujin' series. This is Hebiko Bimyouna, the more sane lizard's 'real-life fanfiction', written as an obvious in-universe 'take that' to a... certain rival.
1. Foreword by Hebiko Bimyouna

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo

**Foreword by Hebiko Bimyouna**

Greetings. Thank you for purchasing this book. Just as a warning, this book will _not _contain: Purple Prose, Gratuitous Sex Scenes, Bishounen Male Leads, pretentious female leads, dialogue that no-one in the real world will ever use, or Gothic Lolitas.

If you like these things, please feel free to put this book down, perhaps even return it for your money back, and buy Tokage Reiketsu's book. I guess it'll just show the high idiot to normal person ratio in this world...

Oh, I'm sorry, I got a tad bitter, for a second. I guess I'm worried about the inevitable popularity of my competition's book. But if you're someone who likes to read, trust me when I say that my book is better for you... what? Oh, I'm meant to be talking about myself? But what would I say?

Hold on, you just typed all those questions out, didn't you? Oh, fine, I'll tell you some information you might like to hear...

I am Hebiko Bimyouna, although that isn't my real surname... I'm two hundred and thirty five years old, and I must admit, I have never shown an interest in writing, and perhaps that might show in my work. I apologise if I do. My true intention is to show that real readers will prefer my works over the... pretentious works of... certain others.

If this foreword is intended to be a message to my readers, I guess I'd better wish you luck. My books are intended to be short, and episodic, with no real ending, (and in the case of books beyond this one, no real beginning either) that is, until the last of my series.

When that will be, I have no idea, but I imagine this will be fun nonetheless. If not for you, certainly for me. I've really enjoyed just... STICKING IT to that pompous, air-headed, arrogant, perverted, bitchy... oh, you're still typing? Sorry.

...I guess I should inform you of the unavoidable. These characters _were _designed from real people, any resemblance to non-fictional characters is _fully _intentional. However, unlike Tokage, I _have _acquired permission from the Youkai involved in this story. If you want proof, I have a small slip of paper with the signatures of all those involved...

Finally, I want to thank you for buying this book and sticking with it, presuming you haven't put it down after my act of audience ultra-filtration at the beginning of this foreword, as you're still reading, right? Yes, thank you for buying this book, I'm intending on saving up to donate to the school for Human Children... you know, in the human village. Apparently one of the guys in this book works there or something.

Alright, with that, I'm gonna let you read on! Enjoy the fruits of my labour!


	2. 01: Chapter One

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter One**

_If _you are looking to this story for a cheap thrill, a gaze into a moron's soul, or a cheap laugh at the expense of the author, I do believe you have picked this book up, bought it, and taken it home entirely by mistake, and that you should return this book to the vendor from which purchased it from or burn it until not a remainder of ink lingers.

For this is not that kind of book. This book is a grim, somewhat amusing, recollection of the events that occurred during the latter days of my youth, a story which I had the honour of compiling from the sidelines while the characters played their part in the play of life...

This is the story of two rivals, and the set of events that caused them to be friends, and what's more, everything else in between these events that I considered of interest. Why did I waste my life recording these events, you may ask? Well, I believe it is because, ever since my pet iguana died (who I was hoping to raise to Youkaihood as an adopted child) I have had an irrepressible urge to be invested in _anyone's _life but my own. 'Irrepressible', in this context, means, 'So grief-fuelled that it is near impossible to fight.'.

The story began one fateful night, long ago, in the outside world. A young youkai man of moderate looks by the name of Dawitsu was lying in his moderately sized bed, snoring in an obnoxious manner. 'Obnoxious' here means, 'So loud that his house-mate and best friend, Yutaka Hadekawa, could not sleep despite doing so in a room a good fifteen metres away from the nearest wall of his room'.

The snoring was so loud that his house-mate and best friend, Yutaka Hadekawa, could not sleep. Rising from her bed groggily- 'groggily' here meaning 'Like a hibernating bear', she walked out of her room and into her friend's room, and tapped the inconsiderate Youkai on the nose before saying, "Boss... is it okay if you stop snoring?"

However, the man was too far gone in his slumber to listen, and so the young Magician youkai, who's primary ability seemed to be the creation of objects from others, grabbed her friend's razor, and formed it into a small, sinus-opening tab. 'Sinus-opening' here means 'conducive to aiding snoring and other nose-related problems'. Placing the tab on her companion's nose, she sighed with relief as the deafening snorts ceased.

Walking out of the room, Yutaka intended to go back to sleep, but a loud rumble that caused the entire house to shudder, causing the Magician to look out of the nearest window.

Opening the curtains, Yutaka noticed that the scenery that was formerly the night sky had been replaced by a purple void, 'void' meaning 'A bizarre dimension that consisted mainly of the colour purple and eyeballs that always seemed to stare at the beholder exactly', and ran back towards her best friend's room, only for the man himself to exit from the room.

"Yutaka? What's going on?" Dawitsu asked his friend, "First the house rumbles, and then I find out I have an anti-congestion tab on my nose!"

Yutaka pointed frantically at the the window, and said, "There's no time for that! We've been taken somewhere strange!"

Dawitsu walked to the window to see what the issue was, and smirked to himself, "Nice try, Yutaka, but can you put the world back to normal now?"

"I haven't caused this." Yutaka denied adamantly, "Something strange is going on!"

Dawitsu shook his head, "I understand... I must be dreaming. I bet if I wake up, I'll wake up in the real world..."

However, as I can confirm, this was not simply a ludicrous- that means 'so strange that it defies all reality and logic'- dream, but in fact, the true events of this tale, and the beginning of the chain of events that would ultimately cause the one responsible to regret ever doing so...

The next morning came swiftly, and the perpetrator of the odd incidents that befell the Dawitsu Mansion was resting heartily after spending her night transporting the mansion to her side of the border of Gensokyo. This woman was none other than the Border Youkai herself, known only by the name she gave herself... Yukari Yakumo.

Inhaling and exhaling in a controlled, drowsy manner, the Border Youkai slowly brought herself to the land of the awake, however, she failed to eat her breakfast until a short while had passed- 'short while' here means 'three hours'. After washing and dressing herself properly, the Border Youkai decided to check up on her handiwork, and stepped into one of her many gaps.

The same gap reopened at the same mansion she had transported into Gensokyo merely the night before. Exiting from it, Yukari called out to the owners of the Mansion, however, despite her usual ability to exactly predict when and where people would be, she seemed to have missed the two youkai, and the house proved to be a ghost town- 'ghost town' here meant figuratively, literally meaning 'devoid of any presence beyond the Border Youkai who was trespassing in the house without permission'.

Giving up, the Border Youkai decided to take herself to the shrine that was the centrepiece of the events of Gensokyo, the Hakurei Shrine. Standing in its grounds, she stared upwards at the area in the sky that in theory her spiriting away- 'spiriting away' meaning 'taking away from friends, family and home without permission'- should have taken the mansion, however, she failed to see any floating mansion of any sort.

Smirking in a confident manner, Yukari mused to herself, "So, the crafty guy's made himself invisible? I wonder where they are..."

And, due to narrative coincidence, the location of the two newcomers were very much easy to pinpoint, 'pinpoint' meaning 'obtain through large amounts of bribery'. The tall, blue-cloaked Mimicker was standing outside of a mansion feared by many, that is, the Scarlet Devil Mansion. His able assistant was one of this 'many'.

"Boss, is it really necessary to steal this sword? What if you get killed?" Yutaka asked of her foolhardy peer.

"Yes, of course it is! All the popular characters here have caused an incident in one way or another!" Dawitsu replied, justifying his future act of wanton theft to himself alone.

"If you insist, boss..." Yutaka muttered, which in this case meant, 'back-handedly yielded so as to allow any mistakes her Boss made to be easily exposed to himself'.

"Alright, then! Yutaka, you stay here, and if you see anyone following me, trap them in a titanium box!" Dawitsu commanded, and pulled out a small device intended to look like a small cigarette case, but in reality looked more like a metal panel with buttons on, "See you later..."

As if covered in smoke, soon, the strange Youkai man disappeared into thin air, and walked towards the mansion while Yutaka sat underneath a small birch tree. As I was unable to infiltrate the Scarlet Devil Mansion myself, all I was able to affirm was that Dawitsu returned with a large sword in hand, although by most counts, it was a sword in name only.

"I got it! Now, let's get out of here before it's too late!" Dawitsu said to his young Magician friend, who seemed more concerned with a small ant on her hand.

Looking upwards, Yutaka sighed before getting up, and brushed the tiny insect off of her hand gently so as not to hurt it. Her Boss dashed into the air, before Yutaka levitated into the air in a blasé manner- 'blasé' meaning 'without any semblance of a care'- shortly afterwards. Once they returned home, Dawitsu ran into the closest Lift he could find, 'Lift' meaning 'strange grey device which consists of a small, motile room attached to a large metal cord that pulls the said room upward or downwards depending on intended purpose', and shouted, "I'll be waiting in the office for when they arrive!"

Yutaka, who's eyes always seemed to be cemented shut, tutted in a manner that replaced the characteristic eye-roll of a bemused assistant, and sat down at a foyer table, playing a game of Peg Solitaire as she soliloquised- this meaning 'irritatedly talked to herself despite the futility of such an action'- to herself, "I hope that he doesn't expect me to fight in this 'incident' of his..."

Meanwhile, Yukari Yakumo was paying a small visit to a certain Tengu Reporter by the name of Aya Shameimaru. Entering her house through a gap, the Border Youkai tapped the ink-sniffing Tengu on her back, causing her to jump and spill all of that container's worth of dye onto her already blackened table.

Visibly angered, Aya shouted, "Don't scare me like that! I was in the middle of a very important article."

Taking appropriate note of the black mark around her nostril, Yukari smirked condescendingly- which in this context means 'in a way that showed she was absolutely aware that Aya was abusing solvents instead of writing anything worthwhile or informative'- and said, "Well, if that's the case, I'm sure you won't need another interesting story..."

Spluttering in humiliation, Aya conceded to Yukari, and accepted her offer, "Oh, okay, what have you found out?"

"Well, there's something in the sky around the Hakurei Shrine, and, well, I figured you, of all people, would be able to photograph it and show the world..." Yukari explained, "...however, you may need to take a few pot shots with your camera towards the sky to find it..."

"What do you mean?" Aya asked in a befuddled manner, 'befuddled' meaning 'ridiculously confused'.

"Well, only your Camera can see this... special object, so I figured it would be the perfect item to capture it's existence and broadcast it to Gensokyo..." Yukari answered.

"And how can I trust you?" Aya rubbed her chin presumptuously, a word which here means 'jumping to the conclusion that Yukari Yakumo was lying'.

"Well, see for yourself, if you don't believe me. I know you have nothing better to do." Yukari mused with confidence.

Aya belligerently turned her nose up, 'belligerently' meaning 'in denial of the fact she was abusing solvents instead of fulfilling her job as a reporter and newspaper editor', and said, "W-well, actually, I'm very busy!"

"And I'm a human." Yukari quipped, and exited through a gap in the floor.

Sighing to herself, the Tengu Reporter accepted that, although superficially denying her occupational freedom, she truly didn't have anything better to do, and put on her strange, somewhat ridiculous high-heel shoes, and rushed out of her house as fast as the wind she controlled...

**Author's Notes: **Apparently Momiji wants me to do a set of author's notes. Well, here you are. Um... what should I say?

Oh, right, my writing technique. I'm writing in the view of a hidden, mysterious documenter who merely records what she sees, noticing the strange details and acting as a patronising, yet intelligent writer with the ability to pick up on people's thoughts... in other words, my narrator, Hebiko 'Bimyouna', is a Satori with a strange affinity for lizards... well, I can't say I didn't base her personality slightly on myself, that would be lying...

Ah, I hope you enjoyed this... oh, and by the way, I'm basing this story a little off of a story told to me by that Mimicker Youkai himself. He said that when he came here, the first thing he did was steal something valuable... so I asked around about the incident, and this is what I've put together. Of course, I've added my own artistic flair, but this is more or less based on a true story...

**Typist's Notes: **Hello there, Momiji Inubashiri here. I'm the White Wolf Tengu of the Youkai Mountain, and while I usually guard the Tengu settlements from invaders, I do get to do some publishing work to earn a little on the side. I'm sorry to say this, but it seems that this story will _not _give me the commission I would prefer. I do like this story... especially after that drivel the green-haired psychopath gave me, but this one doesn't seem as... marketable to a general audience...

Anyway, I have decided to, in a similar vain to the just-mentioned drivel, create an opportunity for some of the denizens of Gensokyo to review this work... so... um, here you go:

**Reviews for Chapter One:**

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Aw, where's the in-depth description of myself? Nah, nah, just kidding. You're doing great, Hebiko. Say, your writing style seems... somewhat familiar... like I read something written by an author with that exact same style... hey, I may have even mimicked him at some point... oh... what's his name... Lemon and Sprickets? I'm pretty sure I lent those books out to someone from here to... wait, does Patchouli have those books?

Yukari Yakumo: Wow, I'm actually in-character. Even that Duwee Davis the second fellow from the outside world didn't get that right. And he's the single greatest writer ever... hold on, I'm in a fanfiction written by him now, aren't I? Oh, typical. Now I'll have to wash my mouth to get rid of that pathetically biased compliment...

Yutaka Hadekawa: It's... strange, for some reason... I'm... a little... bored with my depiction here. Am I really that dull? Am I always nagging at my Boss like that? I... didn't think I did... hey! It's not that at all! Of course I don't prefer being a... loose-moralled Gothic Lolita! I prefer this book! Okay?

Ran Yakumo: Where am I? I... kind of want a scene where I get the Master's shirt wet in this book too...

Disguised Reviewer, with a large bowler hat and a filtered voice: That Fox knows what she's talking about! Men are there to be felt, and looked at while naked, their voluptuous bodies are just _PERFECT _for describing in great detail as opposed to... shoes or whatever. Where's the romance? WHERE IS IT? This writer's such a stupid moron, and she needs to get her hair washed immediately.

Another Disguised Reviewer with a false moustache: I'll have you know, as a good friend of the Author's, that she doesn't wash her hair because it gives her the style of hair she likes. She applies dry detergent every day, so her scalp is clean without the dire effects of water ruining her hairstyle, which is far more fashionable than messy green hair with no style at all...

Hatate Himekaidou: Am I the only one thinking these two weirdos in the big coats are the two authors in disguise?

Aya Shameimaru: Thank you, Captain Obvious. And another thing, what was with that obviously false portrayal of me? I'm an upstanding, sober Tengu reporter of highest class! It's all lies! If it wasn't for the fact that you're my friend, I'd file an official complaint to Lord Tenma, Momiji!


	3. 02: Chapter Two

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Two**

_It_ is often said that the pen is mightier than the sword, and than reporters are the greatest wielders of this weapon; however, I do not view reporters as either dangerous nor skilled wielders of the pen. I think of reporters like I think of freshly baked cakes- they consist mainly of hot air and are somewhat tasty. Their writing is also rather like cakes... they are enjoyable, but unsatisfying in the long run. However, the Tengu Reporter, Aya Shameimaru, although usually concurrent with this analogy, 'concurrent' here meaning 'exactly like cake', wasn't exhibiting cake-like behaviour, but instead was genuinely investigating the area around the Hakurei Shrine.

Aya stared into the sky, whilst standing in the somewhat dilapidated- 'dilapidated' meaning 'covered in weeds, broken ornaments, and untended-to grass'- shrine grounds, pointing her camera up into the sky. Although unable to see anything through her eyes, upon looking through her camera's viewfinder, she seemed to be able to see a large levitating mansion, 'levitating' meaning 'suspended in mid-air by strange attachments at the side of it that belched out large amounts of fire and steam'. Taking the photograph, Aya hoped that the picture would print out to show the mansion in its visible form...

A day passed by without further event, by which point I had turned my attention to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, having sneaked in, 'sneaked' meaning 'brutally tortured the mind of the bodyguard of the mansion until she fell asleep, and hugging the walls as closely as one could without falling into them like a ghost, relying on my third eye to make sure I wasn't being followed, thus gaining access to the mansion and everything with'.

The basement was the area most interesting, as the younger sister of the Mansion, Flandre Scarlet, had only just realised that the strange, wand-like sword usually in her possession had been pilfered, a word which here means 'alternatively procured'. Her heart filling with worry, she called out to the first person she could think of, a phrase which here means 'Patchouli Knowledge, the librarian and resident bookworm of the mansion'.

"AHHHH! PATCHY!" the young vampire screamed at the top of her voice.

After a short delay, Patchouli came down the stone stairs, a concerned look on her face. Her eyes wide open, she asked the Vampiress, "Lady Flandre! What's wrong?"

Flandre's face was full of tears, and she proceeded to vociferate- a word which means 'Cry uncontrollably while trying to explain the fact that her signature weapon was missing'. Eventually she came to form a coherent pair of words, "Laeveteinn's gone!"

At this point it seemed as though an entire person came into the basement along with the air, and Aya Shameimaru made herself apparent behind the crying blonde vampire.

"Gone... or stolen?" the obnoxious reporter asked, obnoxious meaning 'insipid, irritating, and nosey'.

Noticeably bemused, 'bemused' meaning 'tired of dealing with moronic individuals', Patchouli inquired, "How... and why did you come here?"

Seemingly informed by a God of some sort, the Tengu answered with, "I broke in through the east wing's window, and as for why, well, I can never turn down a good scoop!"

Disappearing as promptly as she appeared, Aya rushed out of the basement and up the stairs. It was upon Flandre falling into her bed and bawling her eyes out, and expression which here means 'Empty one's eyes completely of the salty solution found within the tear glands while the magician sitting nearby failed to comfort you', I rushed after the Tengu undercover.

I was only able to hear what was said from the outside of the room, as entering would have blown my cover, a turn of phrase meaning, 'reveal my presence to the horrifically powerful and not quite as well-wishing as one would expect vampire within the room, making me liable to my blood being drained to the point where I would develop vampirism and live a long, miserable, iguana-free life in the dark, crying myself to sleep'.

The conversation started with Aya's voice declaring, "Guess what? Your sister's lost her magic sword thing!"

Responding to the improper nature of her phrasing as if it were already slanderous lies, Remilia calmly, yet threateningly mused, "Don't you remember the deal we made two months ago?"

Acting blissfully ignorant, 'blissfully' here meaning 'stupidly', Aya's voice innocuously replied, "No, I've forgotten..."

Remilia's voice seemed to get a little louder, "Ah. Well, let me give you a clue..."

The young-sounding vampire seemed to pause, and soon her voice peaked, a word which means 'suddenly increased in volume so as to imply the user of said voice has some kind of bipolar-mentality based disease of the mind', "I said NO JOURNALISTS! Especially YOU! Sakuya, send her out!"

At this point the voice of her chief maid, Sakuya, made itself apparent, indicating she was already in the room. Sakuya obliged, a word which here means 'Agreed to Remilia's request, throwing several knives at the Tengu, some of which impaled her and others which impaled the wall of the room, the ends of the blades almost hitting the book's benign, handsome author who has never started any fires'.

Running out of the room with several knives in her body, Aya somehow had enough energy to escape the mansion conscious, at which point I followed her to the Hakurei Shrine once again.

Aya proceeded to run through the Hakurei Shrine's wall, a practice that the mildly irritated face of Reimu Hakurei seemed to imply was a frequent one. The reporter called out in a pained tone, "Ah! Knife! Knife! The pain! Oh, the pain!"

Reimu seemed unamused, a word which here means 'not amused', and simply pointed to the shrine's door before saying, "You know where the door is... just do whatever it is you need to do here. There's a healing alter at the back... you do need healing, right? Or am I mistaken?"

Aya nodded, and rushed in her usual hyperactive manner, 'hyperactive' meaning 'so incessantly quick so that the narrator was finding it difficult to follow her without giving herself away'. After a short pause, Aya dipped her hands in the water, and began to wash her wounds with it.

Now, while it is true that water from a shrine has magical properties, these properties do not actually include healing. This is a common myth, however, as long is this remains a belief, then the healing alter of the shrine shall continue to heal. The reason for this is known as 'the placebo effect'. This is an effect which means that because you believe something will work, it ends up doing so. For example, when I take my caffeine pills, I believe I shall get energy, and for the most part, I receive the energy. However, if someone were to remind me that the pills do not contain caffeine, but instead contain a fine-tasting powder of liquorish and horse tranquilliser, then I would most likely faint from tiredness. However, my firm belief that there is neither liquorish or horse tranquilliser in my pills is what keeps me awake, not the imaginary caffeine. So the principle goes that it was due to Reimu's unwitting kind act of letting the nosey Youkai reporter stay to heal her injuries that made Aya willing to believe that being at her shrine, and using her water, would help her knife-sustained injury improve.

Of course, none of this matters, for when I rushed after the Tengu reporter, she spotted me, and, instead of telling her that her injuries were being healed by the placebo effect, I merely inquired of the latest issue of the Bunbunmaru newspaper as a cover-up for as to why I was following her. The front-page article of the issue read as follows;

'**Another Mansion!**

**Mysterious appearance of Western-style mansion baffles Tengu Reporter extraordinaire!**

As this reporter was taking photographs of the wonderful shrine maiden of paradise's very own Hakurei Shrine, she noticed that a floating mansion was within her viewfinder. Interested, she decided to take a picture of the strange mansion, which many... novice reporters... would not be able to find for complicated reasons. As for the nature of this house, it seems to be simply a large mansion with two large engines similar to the Kappa's flying devices known as 'jet packs'.

Speaking of which, I have to mention a notice from my sponsor! Nitori Kawashiro has the goods you need to make your life easier! Cook food, play music, and receive massages more readily than ever before!

Anyway, this reporter has a few speculative thoughts on why this mansion would be above the Hakurei Shrine. My first is that it is a secret base for a villain of some sort, who intends to drop her mansion directly on top of the Hakurei Shrine, as an assassination attempt on the Shrine's Miko! My second theory is that it is a trick by the local Nue, Nue Houjuu, who is notorious for being both a trickster and a liar.

Whatever the purpose of this mansion, I'm sure that Reimu Hakurei will find out about this and be on the owner's case faster than I get the word on the wind!

This is Pure and Honest Shameimaru, reporting for the Bunbunmaru.'

The rest of the paper was dull and uninteresting, like the banal- 'banal' here meaning 'hazardous to the mental health and well-being of all living things'- writing of a two hundred and forty year-old Lizard Youkai going through the worst early female mid-life crisis imaginable.

The night arrived, and it was by coincidence that I managed to spot what seemed like Danmaku flying through the forest, followed by a large explosion.

Remilia Scarlet was shouting at a certain human witch by the name of Marisa Kirisame, who was shouting just as much as the vampire was. The blonde imouto to Remilia- 'imouto' being a strange Japanese term often used by otaku for 'younger sister'- was standing in the background, seemingly confused about the whole ordeal.

A simultaneous chatter, which, thanks to my third eye, I was able to decipher, seemed to be an accusation of some sorts, with Remilia insistently claiming Marisa to be a thief, and Marisa insistently denying the claim that she was a thief. In the end, neither party reached a unanimous answer, although the human witch was actually correct, to some extent.

Allow me to explain 'Expectational Irony'. Expectational Irony is a situation that is contrasting with expectations in a way that is wry, odd, yet somewhat fitting. For example, as the well-known thief, Marisa Kirisame, was wrongly accused of being a thief, I did not step in, so as to preserve the Expectational Irony of the situation, as most people know that Marisa is a regular thief of books and the sorts, however, always justifies her actions by claiming the theft was not theft, but rather, borrowing. And so, she gets away with it. However, the one time she does _not _steal the item that has been stealing, she not only gets falsely accused, but also gets paid the repercussions she should have received for her real thefts. Thus expectational irony is in full effect.

It was on this Ironic Note that the night's events ended, and Marisa lay in her house's rubble, too traumatised by the event to do anything other than whimper to herself as she waited for the morning to come...

**Author's Notes: **Ah, with this one, I had to get a genuine copy of the Bunbunmaru issue that was released during the real-life events of this story. Oh, sorry, I'm meant to say hello first, aren't I?

Also, I found out about the 'Placebo effect' which I had the narrator go off on a noticeable tangent about (by the way, if you were wondering, that's totally intentional) thanks to Mister Dawitsu's highly intelligent Shikigami, Yutaka Hadekawa. She seems to be a nice woman, I wouldn't mind being her friend...

...it's strange, am I the only one who doesn't view many people as a friend? I'll... um... let you in on a secret. I thought of Tokage as a friend... but... now I realise that she only hung on to me because she had nothing better to do, had no-one else to do stuff with... and, well, I guess now I have nothing better to do, now that she's off my back.

I wish I could show her how much better off I am without her... hmph, I guess I can already say I'm more likeable than her. Apparently Dawitsu chopped off Tokage's arms and legs... he hasn't done that to me yet... perhaps I should visit the Dawitsu Mansion more often? What do you think, Momiji? The author's notes are too long? Oh yeah, sorry about that, guess I was rambling...

**Typist's Notes:** Um... that was awkward. Honestly, I have to deal with a psychopath and an insecure friend-seeker just to earn a living! What's coming to this world? Um... I guess that was unfair, but I can't undo my typing now. Here are the reviews...

**Reviews for Chapter Two:**

Aya Shameimaru: I'm not like a cake, no matter what you say! I'm far more like a lantern, enlightening the layman with the glory of knowledge with the great Bunbunmaru Spirit News!

Hatate Himekaidou: Um... I'm kinda getting the feeling you forgot about me there...

Disguised Reviewer with a Bowler hat and a Voice Filter: I have read your snarky, horribly written second chapter, and quite frankly, it's a disgrace, throwing in insults to fellow writers into your stories simply because they are superior to your own. I... I mean... my good friend, Tokage, would like to inform you that she is not undergoing any sort of mid-life crisis, nor is her writing... banal, or whatever it was your story said it was.

Marisa Kirisame: Hey! That event wasn't Ironic! It was unfortunate! Learn to tell the difference! I lost my house! It was no laughing matter, nor was it just desserts! Screw this, Tokage's story is better!

Patchouli Knowledge: Yutaka told me to come read this story, she said that I'd like it. It certainly brings me back to the days when I went on holiday with her to the outside world... ah, fond memories gone by... anyway, your writing style reminds me greatly of someone called... ah, yes, Daniel Handler. Have you heard of him? He's very good, he goes by a Pen-name, just like you do...

Yutaka Hadekawa: Hebiko, I just want you to know you can come over to our mansion any time. The Boss really likes you, as do I, and we'd welcome the company. The Boss says you remind him of... 'L'... whoever that is. I don't know, probably someone from one of his Animés, he likes them a lot...


	4. 03: Chapter Three

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Three**

_When _one describes something as a 'misnomer', they refer to something which is named incorrectly, for whatever reason. It could be named like this for humorous purposes, such as a creature named 'The Incredibly Deadly Viper', that is, in fact, totally harmless, and in actuality is a friendly, lovable pet, for the purpose of releasing it at a public place, shouting, "The incredibly Deadly Viper has escaped!". However, some misnomers are pointless, such as 'Touhou Doujin: The Grimoire of Dawitsu', as a Doujin is an unofficially recognised story with a visual medium, and the actual Grimoire of Dawitsu has next to no visual medium beyond the occasional diagram of certain techniques, thus it is not a Doujin, nor for that matter, is it written by someone who is 'Eastern' in origin, as Mateyuu Dawitsu is a westerner. However, this story does not have a Misnomer for a title, and is actually reflecting on the true nature of this story... it was due to Yukari Yakumo's meddling that this process began, however, superficially, this story is titled with a Misnomer, as the next set of events are, in no way, directly involving Yukari Yakumo, at least, for the time being. Instead, Yukari Yakumo spent her time sleeping, however, I found no evidence of her actually sleeping within her house. Some speculate that whenever she 'sleeps', she is, in fact going to the outside world. This could be possible, but I have yet to ascertain that.

The morning after the Ironic Destruction of Marisa Kirisame's home had events somewhat proving the Misnomer-laden nature of this story's title, and, as opposed to meeting up with Yukari Yakumo, she decided to travel to a totally different guardian of the border, Reimu Hakurei. Her natural intuition, 'intuition' here meaning 'ability to mercilessly shoot down any perpetrators of events, good or bad', in Marisa's mind, would help her find a solution to who could have stolen the object from the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and thus clear her name as a thief.

Knocking on the Shrine Maiden's door, Marisa gasped in anticipation- 'anticipation' meaning 'preparation for crying uncontrollably into the bemused Shrine Maiden's shoulders'.

Once the door opened, Marisa began crying uncontrollably into the bemused Shrine Maiden's shoulders, and yelled, "Reimu! My house! It's destroyed!"

Reimu remained cool, 'cool' here meaning 'calm despite the hysteria' rather than 'cold', and asked, "Do you know who did it?"

"It was the Scarlet Sisters... they accused me of stealing that fire-sword from Flandre..." Marisa explained, hiccuping as she did so.

However, due to the mighty force of Expectational Irony, Reimu, like myself, lacked complete sympathy, and thought that it was most likely deserved. However, there was a lingering concern in her mind, a phrase meaning 'her mind was preoccupied with the thought of someone other than a happy-go-lucky thief having possession of such a dangerous weapon'.

After thinking about whether or not she should help the witch, finally Reimu settled with asking her the question of, "Well, did you really steal it?"

Marisa's face became indignant, 'indignant' meaning 'visibly insulted at the concept of someone accusing her of theft', "Of course not! I only st... er, borrow 'til death books from Patchy's library! What use would I have for a weapon I can't use?"

Reimu evaluated the situation. Being Genre-savvy, a phrase which here means 'able to tell, from the repetitive cycle of incidents that occur within Gensokyo, what was going on', she had already determined one thing.

"I have already determined one thing..." Reimu mused, "I do not know who this perpetrator is. It's always newcomers which cause incidents, and then they act like we're friends afterwards..."

Marisa nodded her head, "Yes, that is true... so, what are we gonna do?"

Reimu smirked, compensating for Marisa's not exactly enthused nature, a phrase which means 'emotionally drained from watching her house and home get destroyed by two diminutive vampires'. With that smirk, she declared, "We're gonna clear your name, and get that sword back!"

"That's what I'm talking about! Marisa and Reimu, working together once again!" Marisa added, motivated by Reimu's somewhat uncharacteristic enthusiasm.

"Right, before that, we need to find the newcomers... the newspaper article said that a weird mansion had appeared above this shrine, but I can't see it... perhaps Aya got confused and put 'Hakurei' instead of 'Moriya'?" Reimu formulated a plan, "So, the first place we're going to go is Youkai Mountain!"

True to word, the first place the Miko and her witch companion went to was the Youkai Mountain, more specifically to the house of the obnoxious reporter who had taken a photograph of the house of the true thieves.

The journey up the mountain was like a plain grey metre rule- long, straight, and tedious. Aya's house was well-kept from the inside, but inside was cluttered- 'a phrase which here means 'filled with books, typewriters, splotches of ink, and a press', and once the Shrine Maiden knocked on the Tengu's door, she noticeably recoiled at the stench of solvents. Marisa quietly decided against going into the house, while Reimu walked in.

Reimu put her hands to her hips, "Okay, where's that mansion?"

Aya was partially irritated at the human's lack of courtesy, but also was glad of the fact that Reimu had actually read her newspaper, "Hello to you, too... anyway, you want to talk about the mansion mentioned in the most recent issue?"

Reimu calmly replied, "Yes."

Aya smugly grinned, 'smugly' meaning 'like a content cat, purring as it ingested various types of milk-based foods, including cream, milk, yoghurt, goat's cheese, and whey', and said, "Oh, you want to know where it is? But I mentioned it in the paper. It's right above you."

Reimu scratched her head in puzzlement, a word which here means 'due to the confusing circumstances regarding the fact that she didn't seem to be able to see it', "Oh? So that wasn't a printing error? I don't seem to be able to see it."

"Ah, well that's because it's invisible." Aya said, her expression deadpan, a word that means 'as straight as a dead pan's facial expression'.

"But... how did you get the picture?"

"Ah, well that's because of..." Aya paused for emphasis, a practice associated with attention seekers and politicians, neither being mutually exclusive, "...my WONDERFUL CAMERA!"

Aya proceeded to hold the camera to the air in a dramatic, over-the-top manner. Reimu would proceed to use the word 'spazzing out' in her dialogue, a phrase that refers to erratic motions of a particular individual.

"Stop spazzing out over your camera and tell me more..."

Aya paused to create an excuse, 'an excuse' here meaning 'an explanation for the fact that Yukari had commanded her to take a picture of the air of the Hakurei Shrine that wasn't quite as suspicious sounding'. Upon creating one, she said, "Well, I was taking pictures of your shrine, and well, I fell over... because of my shoes, you see? Anyway, I took a picture of the air above your shrine, and when the photos printed, the air contained a large mansion with... fire-belching things at the side!"

However, this excuse merely caused Reimu to have doubts about the motives of Aya's photography career, and she said, "Uh... I guess I should be thanking you for this. So... uh... thank you."

Aya's face became unusually full of care, and began to thank the Shrine Maiden for her placebo-effect fuelled healing, "It's no problem. In fact, I'm still in debt to you! You'll never admit it, but you're a wonderful young woman, you show such kindness, especially for a human..."

All of a sudden, Aya's face became sincere, a word which here means 'genuinely kind-hearted and meaningful', "Trust me when I say this, Reimu. Long after you've died, we tengu will remember you..."

As if only just remembering her role in this story was plucky comic relief, Aya suddenly snapped er expression back to normal, and she said, "I'm sorry to go off on a tangent like that, but it's something that needed to be said. Now, I bet you need to be going somewhere, right?"

Reimu's face didn't seem to depict anything other than cold confusion, but, through reading her heart, I could see that she was genuinely touched by this speech, and she simply nodded before leaving the house.

Marisa was waiting outside of the door, and seemed to be disgusted by the mere smell of Reimu, probably because ink's acrid aroma clings to clothes like a barnacle. The two walked back to the location they had started off at, rendering their overall displacement at zero. However, information being the valuable resource it is, the journey most certainly wasn't a pointless one...

**Author's Notes: **I guess I should be thankful to Aya Shameimaru, who happily recounted to me the situation which occurred during this chapter. I... unfortunately had to add to the vividness of the story, and well... I can't lie, her house stinks of ink. Heh, stinks of ink, that rhymes!

I tried experimenting with humorous use of redundancy, however, I fear that will fly over some readers' heads, and they'll assume my redundancy was down to bad writing, not a deliberate punt for humour. I guess only time will tell... also, I'd like to shout out to my good friend, Yutaka! The game of Draughts was brilliant, and Mister Dawitsu, you're really funny... I now see what you mean by my resemblance to 'L'. But I'm not going to sit like him. I may have a hunch, but I'm not that bad...

**Typist's Notes: **Ah, that wasn't so bad. I thought I'd be dealing with the myriad of author's note that she had in the last chapter... um, well, I have nothing to say. It's strange, isn't it, how people usually have far more to say about things that are bad than things that are good? I guess it's because good things don't need fixing, thus pointing them out it a useless gesture, but bad things do, so pointing them out either assists in the improvement of said thing or removal of it from the face of the earth... oh yeah, reviews...

**Reviews for Chapter 3:**

Reimu Hakurei: Wow... I remember Aya saying all that to me... looking back on it, it sounded a little creepy, but she genuinely likes me, doesn't she? I... I guess I shouldn't have been such a jerk to her that time she punched me out...

Aya Shameimaru: Oh, Reimu, you're too kind! I know why you destroyed my press, you were only trying to stop a massive exodus from Gensokyo to the Outside World... I forgive you.

Mateyuu Dawitsu: The probability of this story being a successful one is... ninety percent. (for some reason, he spent the review crouched in an odd manner while stacking sugar cubes on top of one another)

Yutaka Hadekawa: Hebiko, it seems your works are helping to reconcile people. I have to say, that takes skill, although it helps that you're basing these books on what really happened. Please try to bear with the boss, he can be a little strange at times... also, I enjoyed the game of Draughts too...


	5. 04: Chapter Four

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Four**

_By_ the time the human witch and bicolour- a word which here means 'two-coloured'- shrine maiden had returned to their home, it was already late at night. Regardless of the witch's griping, Reimu Hakurei had already taken to searching the sky above her shrine.

"Be careful. Aya said that the mansion had fire coming out of it, so watch it..." Reimu mused, before Irony caused her to fly face-first into thin air.

Marisa, lacking any empathy- a word which here means 'ability to see Reimu's point of view'- burst into laughter.

Her expression indicating a lack of interest, Reimu simply tapped around the area that she had just hit. Feeling it over, she got the feeling of a strange, hand-level lump in what mostly felt like bricks. Having a personal eureka- 'eureka' being a Greek expression for 'I do believe I've found an invisible doorbell floating above my shrine'- moment, she shouted to Marisa, "Hey, stop laughing, I've found a doorbell..."

Marisa flew her broom towards Reimu, and waited as Reimu decided to press the invisible doorbell inwards, causing a muffled sound of what seemed to be an entirely synthetic tune that went along the lines of 'Little Bird', a little ditty my mother taught me when I was young so that I would know when the bird had flown the nest, and the world would be quiet. Of course, I didn't broadcast the significance of this to anyone in particular...

Of course, all of that is irrelevant, for the events at hand had nothing to do with the aforementioned Bird, or the nest, or the quiet world. It did have something to do with an exceptionally young-looking woman opening the invisible door of the mansion, and asking the two humans, "Oh... visitors... here at this hour?"

The strange young woman invited the two in regardless of their odd choice of visiting hour, and offered them tea. Despite the garish foyer- 'garish' here meaning 'full of odd pictures of various entities, including a blue kangaroo in a straight jacket and a grey, vaguely humanoid creature with a black square where its facial features should be'- was full of odd pictures of various entities, including a blue kangaroo in a straight jacket and a grey, vaguely humanoid creature with a black square where its facial features should be, the two humans accepted her offer.

"Please can I have some green tea?" Marisa asked.

"What flavour?" Yutaka asked in return.

Marisa was unaware of the fact that green tea could come in flavours, and seemed pleased with the development, a word which here means 'the presence of various flavours of green tea'. She answered, unsure if this flavour would exist, "Lemon flavour, please."

The woman nodded, and waited for a response from Reimu, but the short while of saturninity, a word which here means 'awkward silence indicating both unwillingness to drink tea and a lack of the good manners required to simply tell her that she didn't want tea' indicated that the shrine maiden, in fact, wasn't interested in tea.

Leaving to prepare the tea, the salmon-haired girl left the two exceptionally strong humans in the disturbing foyer, and, in order not to be completely unnerved by the sheer eccentricity of the place- 'eccentricity' in this context meaning 'presence of ridiculous, odd, and downright stupid paintings both within frames and on the wallpaper'- began talking to each other.

"This place is creeping me out..." Reimu mumbled, "So, you think she's the criminal?"

Marisa shook her head, "No, she doesn't give off a thief vibe."

"Hmm. Fair enough. Takes one to know one, after all..." Reimu remarked.

"Shut up!" Marisa shouted in response to the so-often true proverb, "She seems like a servant type, anyway..."

Spotting the ridiculously short girl returning, Reimu muttered, "Alright, here she comes, be quiet..."

The girl was walking carefully with two cups of tea, despite her klutzy looks- 'klutzy' being a word that means 'having such long sleeves and such a large cloak that despite all proof of her behaviour tending towards her being a dangerously intelligent person, she looks more like an idiotic person liable to fall over and spill the tea held in her hands'- and sat down on a sofa within the foyer. Gesturing to Marisa to sit down with her, she asked her, "So, are you going to get your tea?"

Marisa took the somewhat unfortunate duty of sitting by the marginally unsettling young woman, and took the tea off of her. Reimu sat an an entirely different sofa conscientiously, a word which here means 'to avoid the short, perpetually smiling magician youkai with no exposed hands or irises'.

After a few minutes of discomfort, the youkai mumbled, "Black tea tastes brilliant in winter, doesn't it?"

Reimu shuffled awkwardly, and merely answered, "Um... I haven't tried black tea."

Yutaka smiled perfidiously, a word which means 'like she had not stopped smiling for an extremely long period of time and had her face locked in such a posture', "Oh, a shame. So, what brings you two to the Dawitsu mansion?"

"Ah! So, you're name's Miss Dawitsu?" Marisa asked, jumping to conclusions.

Jumping to conclusions is a practice similar to jumping over a shark infested pool... while there's every chance you were right to do so, the majority of the time, your choice to jump is a bad one.

"Ah... no, no, I'm not. I'm her Shikigami, Yutaka Hadekawa." Yutaka answered, "May I ask of your names?"

Both the Miko and the Witch answered the strange magician. It was upon hearing the two names that Yutaka's eyes seemed to twitch, almost as if she was going to open them, but, somewhat inevitably, they remained shut. Judging by the pair's faces, she could deduce- a word which here means 'almost read their minds, as if she were a Satori, not myself.'- what it was they wanted.

"You wish to see my Boss, don't you?" Yutaka postulated, a word which here means 'irritatingly confidently, yet correctly, guessed'.

Surprised by her postulation, Reimu's eyes widened with optimism, "You mean you'll take us straight there?"

"...well, if you want to see him, you'll have to take a guided tour with me... through this house." Yutaka mused.

Marisa and Reimu opened their mouths to say something, but their actions were proven to be futile, a word which here means 'Unable to stop the rampant tour guide', and the Magician got up, and said, "Follow me."

Unless you have never been to an area of interest, or have, but have been exceptionally lucky, then you will have come across the abominable creatures known as 'tour guides'. These creatures often resemble people, but are, in fact, soulless creatures that prey on the patience and sanity of the people they are demonstrating their applicable area. Their main skill is that of stating the obvious, a phrase which here means 'exactly what I'm doing now'.

So naturally, when the three women of varying ages walked into a room filled with mainly water and glass, the water being occupied by various fish, the first thing the frightening tour guide did was state the obvious.

"This is the aquarium. It's home to many types of fish, as well as Zora Eggs..."

Reimu and Marisa both rolled their eyes, not remotely interested in the fish-based attractions of the mansion, which, at any other time, would be an interesting, beautiful sight of many colours, but, due to the current situation, was merely a roadblock in the way of Marisa's revenge.

The witch, naturally, was the first to speak up, "Miss... uh, Hadekawa, is it? Can we please just visit your master? We need to know if he's the one that stole Laevateinn..."

Yutaka Hadekawa's face shifted slightly at the implication of Dawitsu having complete dominion over her life, and she swiftly replied, "My _boss _has not authorised me to discuss questions about hi... her, not until she has met you hi... herself."

Unable to truly respond to this, the two humans simply went along with the tour. I could confirm that there was up to one hundred different species fish within the aquarium, and that Yutaka had possession of a strange contraption known as a biosphere, which seemed to be a ball containing several living things.

The irrelevance- a word which here means 'the fact that biospheres have absolutely nothing to do with stolen fire-swords owned by childish blonde vampires'- of the situation finally inspired Reimu to ask, "Okay, can we just see your master now?"

Yutaka's smile became large enough to fit a small cake known as a 'macaroon' into it, and she issued an ultimatum, a word which means 'absolute, non-negotiable deal', "Well, the only way to get to my Boss is through the tour. So, either you follow me through the tour and see Dawitsu, or you get out of this mansion and don't. I'm fine with either choice."

The macabre- a word which here means 'somewhat disturbing considering the young, pretty features of the user- grin on Yutaka's face seemed to kill any thoughts on taking a third option, and Reimu decided to stay on her terms.

"Okay, let's do this stupid tour..."

However, once Yutaka processed the decision, they entered one of the many small, grey rooms labelled 'Lift', and I found myself unable to stealthily follow the set of young women, forcing myself to move onto a different person's life story for the time being to avoid dwelling about my beloved Iguana and the now ever apparent news of the Bird that has flown the nest...

**Author's Notes: **Hello there! I'm proud to say that I have the photographic memory of Miss Reimu Hakurei to thank for this section of memory, however, I threw in my own artistic license here and there, hopefully I won't have insulted the wonderful Miss Hakurei in doing so.

Also, Yutaka, the description of you being unnerving is not my thoughts on you, I find you well-mannered and kind... but according to Miss Hakurei, you really freaked her out the first time she saw you... were you _trying _to be creepy, or something? Man, I'd love to be able to play to my creepy side every now and then just to see how people react...

**Typist's Notes: **Is it just me, or is this 'Author's notes' section just becoming a 'chat hub' for Hebiko and this Yutaka woman? This isn't good, I've got to call her out on this the next time I type up a chapter...

Ah... this is so nice to type up, especially after typing up Tokage's fiction. You know, Hebiko offers me tea when I'm typing, Tokage expects me to _make tea for her_! I know, right? Oh yeah, reviews, sorry...

**Reviews for Chapter Four:**

Yukari Yakumo: I'm... pretty sure I'm absent from this. Come on, Hebiko, two out of four chapters hasn't so much as included a whisper of my face! Oh well, at least it's a damn sight better than Tokage's fiction. You know, you're pretty cynical and dry in your writing style, I like you a lot. Perhaps you could become my Shikigami some day...

Yutaka Hadekawa: No, no, of course I'm not offended by my portrayal here! If actually was overplaying my smile and my closed eyes, I wanted to keep them in line and listening to the tour without deviating mentally without needing to fight them. I also... found your satirical description of tour guides rather amusing. Keep it up, Hebiko! **[Typist's Note: **That's it, no more of this 'personal message' nonsense, it's driving me up the wall**]**

Reimu Hakurei: You know, I'm actually liking this book, it's bringing me down memory lane... like the time I set that loser's hair on fire... and the time I threw yin-yang orbs at him... and fired fantasy orbs at him... and when Marisa shot her master spark straight through him... oh, the memories...

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Ah, Reimu, you're so right. And I remember the time when you lost your temper at me, knocked me into the air, and knocked me away with your Gohei just like I was a baseball... ah, good times...

Jean Franc Levoisier: Ah, I have noticed this book... Miss Kirisame told me it was... er... how you say? Er... awful? Yes, she said it was awful, however, I can not find much fault with it. If these are the true events of how the Youkai Man appeared in this strange place, I now know why he knows what I like better than the other man here, Rinnosuke... er... I am not sure of his surname. What? I am rambling? What is that? Oh, I am talking too much. I apologise. What is your name? Oh, Momiji? It is nice to meet you... **[Typist's Note: **Okay, this seems like it's going to evolve into a full-blown conversation, I'm going to stop typing this thing and speak to this human guy... he seems to talk in an odd accent... I must admit, he seems rather nice...**]**


	6. 05: Chapter Five

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Five**

_If_ you believe in fate, I'll have you know that it is not only a cruel mistress, but one of the cruellest mistresses around. Regardless of whether she is conscious of it or not, the closest thing to a scapegoat- a word which here means 'person who manipulates fate'- is the Vampire, Remilia Scarlet. Not only do I believe that she controls fate, but I also believe she has written every story of Gensokyo, this one included. Her Machiavellian ways could be the only ways wicked enough to take from me an innocent, twenty two year old Iguana who loved his owner more than anything in the world. Of course, you are probably wondering how I know of this fact for certain. The fact is, that once Yutaka Hadekawa began her long, hard-to-follow tour, I decided to simply not try and keep track of them, and instead checked on the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It was then that I confirmed what I had already suspected for an aeon- 'aeon' meaning 'a very very very long time'...

Infiltrating the Mansion at the point at which the intimidating Chinese Guard had fallen asleep, I entered through the hole in the window that remained from Aya's breaking and entering the some time before. I decided to conduct my investigation outside of Remilia's bedroom, in which her voice could be heard.

Along with the juvenile- a word which here means 'disturbingly unfitting for a mistress of fate'- voice of Remilia Scarlet, a second voice not belonging to either Patchouli Knowledge or Sakuya Izayoi could be heard.

"I don't get it! Why isn't that human witch giving me back Flandre's sword? I fated her to just after I attacked her house!" Remilia's voice said in a petulant tone, a word which here means 'the style of voice used'.

The second voice, a noticeably mature one, answered calmly and confidently, "Isn't it obvious? Your fating powers cannot attain the impossible, am I correct?"

"Well, yeah, but it's obvious that giving me Laevateinn back is possible!" Remilia said, unsure of what the voice that didn't belong to either Patchouli or Sakuya had meant.

"What if she simply doesn't have it?" the voice that didn't belong to either Patchouli or Sakuya explained, her heart seeming to be a tad frustrated with the slow rate of conversational uptake on Remilia's part.

"B-but... but that wouldn't add up... who else would take it?" Remilia asked the seemingly omniscient voice, 'omniscient' meaning 'most likely belonging to the border youkai or the ghost princess of the Netherworld'.

"Had you announced your presence to Gensokyo prior to your red mist incident?" the voice not belonging to Patchouli or Sakuya questioned rhetorically, a word which means 'In a way that gave enough information for no verbal answer to be necessary'.

Despite the question's rhetorical nature, Remilia seemed to deem a verbal answer necessary, "Well, no... ah, I see what you're saying. You think it's someone who we haven't seen before?"

"That's precisely what I'm saying." the voice confirmed gratuitously, a word which here means 'as if the answer wasn't obvious enough already'.

"Hm. But still, my fate should be unstoppable..." Remilia mused.

"I'll have you know that Marisa is currently on her way to retrieving Flandre's beloved weapon. It was probably a mix of her own will and your fating... in fact, I even altered the boundary between fate and free will to make sure the Laevateinn returns to Flandre..." the voice said, revealing herself to be none other than Yukari Yakumo.

"Oh. Well... thank you, I guess." Remilia somewhat respectfully said, 'respectfully' meaning 'politely due to the large difference in power between herself and the border youkai'.

"As I speak, both Marisa and Reimu have reached the perpetrator's lair, and are currently fighting it." Yukari mused.

"It? Is it an alien or something? You know, something that isn't human-like? You know something, don't you?" Remilia's tone of voice resembled Gallete de Rois, that is, it was superficially innocent and curious, but with a hidden hardness within it.

"No... but you may be somewhat surprised. Let's just say it's a certain type of person that isn't usually associated with being a fighter in this world... even though in the outside world, they are considered the greatest fighters, due to their lack of magic over there..." Yukari cryptically said, 'cryptically' being a word that means 'constructed in a way that resembles a particularly challenging milk puzzle.'.

Another type of Irony that exists, as well as 'Expectational Irony', is 'Dramatic Irony'. This is a situation within a story in which the reader, and, in this case, the narrator, knows something within a story that the characters themselves do not. For example, when a man sits down to dine, and says, "I positively cannot wait for my Beef Stroganoff! I hope the sauce is creamy and mushroomy, just how I like it!" but everyone in the restaurant, including the waiter, the chef, and the innocent bystander that looked nothing like myself knew that the mushrooms used in this particular Stroganoff were in fact Death Caps, then that would be dramatic irony.

Similarly, Dramatic Irony was in full effect as the vampire totally failed to pick up on the allusion to the fact that the perpetrator of the heinous crime of stealing from an unstable and potentially harmful vampire was in fact, male, despite it being obvious to Yukari, myself, and yourself. Yukari, knowledgeable of this Irony, said one last thing before the sound of a gap opening was heard, "It's Ironic, isn't it? When you finally get to see the perpetrator, you'll wonder how you hadn't thought of it before..."

Remilia made a noise that seemed like she was about to say something, but lost the will, or, more likely, it was suddenly redundant for her to say anything, as the Border Youkai had disappeared.

Knowing Remilia was most likely going to walk out of the closed bedroom door, a phrase which here means 'the only thing stopping her from noticing my presence and ripping my body from limb to limb', I ran from the area as soon as possible, watching not to run into the fearsome human maid on the way.

As if blessed by some kind of God, or, more likely, as if fated to not be spotted, I left the mansion miraculously unscathed. I walked towards a particularly special spot of mine, in which I go to grieve my buried pet Iguana. As if fate was not on my side, the ever fearsome Yukari Yakumo was standing on the exact same spot as the spot my makeshift grave- 'makeshift' here meaning 'made of sticks, tar, the occasional stone, and a small amount of ink to write upon it "Forever missed, Bertrand"'- was, kneeling and looking at me with her periphery vision, a phrase akin to 'from the corner of her eye', before disappearing into a gap.

The strange portal- a word which here means 'gap in reality filled with purple, eyeballs, and many of _your _worst fears'- seemed to hover around for longer than when she usually entered it, most likely because she intended me to follow her. My duty as a writer compelled me to, despite the obvious possibility of the entire situation being an elaborate trap to render me as dead as my poor Iguana, Bertrand.

Entering the bizarre realm, I admittedly floated aimlessly within the gap-space- a word which here means 'your worst nightmare'- for quite some time before seeing the other Gap which Yukari had exited from. My method of getting back to the real world was an odd combination of swimming and falling, and once I got out of the gap, my bearing returned quickly.

The surrounding area was mainly an ersatz version of life, 'ersatz' being another word for 'false', with many houses that didn't quite resemble houses, and cherry blossoms that didn't quite resemble houses. Three people that didn't quite resemble people holding musical instruments that didn't quite resemble musical instruments were gathered together, and Yukari approached them knowing exactly what she was going to say.

"Hello, my good friends! How's the musical career coming along?" Yukari asked a shorter, blonde-haired person holding a violin that didn't quite resemble a person holding a violin.

This particular pseudo-person stared at the Border Youkai cynically, a word which here means 'knowing Yukari Yakumo well enough to know she didn't care at all about her or her sisters' musical careers, and only wanted directions to see Yuyuko Saigyouji, the ghost Princess', "Okay, I know what you want. She's in her house, where she usually is..."

"Ah, thank you. You see, she's usually so unpredictable, even I don't know where to look for her..." Yukari seemed to find this sentence amusing, for whatever reason, and chuckled to herself.

A blue-haired person holding a trumpet that didn't quite resemble a blue-haired person holding a trumpet spoke up, and seemed as equally uninterested in speaking with the Border Youkai, "Well, today she's being predictable, so just leave us to practice, will you?"

A third person that didn't quite resemble a person, this time in red clothes and brown hair, seemed to enjoy playing Devil's Advocate, a pleasant role which involves disagreeing with everyone and everything, as she said, "But, Merlin, we aren't practising..."

The blue-haired person that wasn't, now known to be Merlin, spluttered, "Don't tell her that!"

However, the Border Youkai had already disappeared, her voice resonating in the background, "Hiding that fact wouldn't have changed anything, Lyrica was simply being honest..."

The day ended on me having to trek up flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights of stairs, finally resulting in my being able to spy on Yukari and Yuyuko's antics, however, before I could do that, I decided to sleep against a cold, hard tree stump which didn't quite resemble a cold, hard, tree stump to compensate for my long climb...

**Author's Notes: **You may know how this publishing process works... the story was written beforehand, however, the author's notes, and the reviews, were not, and only came into fruition on the day of publishing the chapter. I have recently been using the Author's notes as a method of contact, and, proofreading the published chapters, I've noticed Momiji has been a little annoyed by usage of them, and for that, I apologise... however, the typist today is someone called 'Jean Franc Levoisier'. He seems like a nice person, Human Male and whatnot... I hear from him that Tokage's been making advancements on him... just how desperate is Tokage anyway, to go for a human?

**Typist's Notes: **Ah, the insultment! What does she mean by 'go for a human'? What exactly is unappealing about the humans? I find the Lizard Tail to be unappealing, so... er, touché, my author friend! Although, I must admit, Miss... er... is it the Bimyouna? Well, if it is, Miss Bimyouna is far less frightening than the other Lizard Woman... she gives a new sense to the word 'Bridezilla', ha ha ha ha! My jokes are funny, even in the English, am I right?

Ah, yes, the reviews. Here they are... oh no, the first person coming in is...

**Reviews for Chapter Five:**

Tokage Reiketsu: Ha! So, you finally show your face, Hebiko! Well, fine, I'll show mine! And you're stupid, thinking people are going to attack me because they're jealous! I mean, I know everyone wants to write as good as me, but I don't think they'd go that far! Ha, you should worry about yourself! Because I wanna tell you something, you're writing's so awful it could kill the person who wrote...

(YES! Uh... I mean... how do you delete on this thing? Oh... it is like that, is it? Um... anyway, Miss Reiketsu seems to have been attacked from behind by the Youkai Man with a large... spanner, is it? Oh, he wants to review!)

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Ugh... it was bad enough her killing off Yutaka in her book... now she's joking about Hebiko's death... God, I hate her... oh, I'm sorry, the story. Well, I must say, it's good that you're diverging away from just my side of the story... you really _have _done a lot of research, haven't you? We should totally play chess with each other some time, I think you'd enjoy it. I also liked that stealth joke near the beginning... it took me three re-reads to get what that line was all about...

Yukari Yakumo: I appreciate your creation of this book, this antithesis, this cure to the blight of the other book. I've actually read some of the other... uh... 'fanfiction' flying around in the neighbourhood recently, and must say, there are some, which even though they are still putting... me... and that moron together, I... actually quite liked them. They certainly wrote better than that Tokage idiot. Th-that doesn't mean I have a thing for him, because I most certainly don't! Uh... yeah, I don't. But, anyway, I have to say, out of all the ones I've read, yours is by far the best. Also, how did you pick up that I'd set up Reimu and Marisa's acts like that... I never told you that... you're smarter than I thought...

Remilia Scarlet: Hm. I remember that day when I found out that idiot was a man. I mean, what is a man? A miserable pile of secrets, that's what!

Youmu Konpaku: Ah, this is much better than that other one's fiction. Miss... Hebiko, is it? I would be glad to give you a free album if you mention my music in the next chapter... what? It's already written, and it's just undergoing publication? Oh, that's a shame...

Yuyuko Saigyouji: Oh, Youmu, the poor girl. I was the one who recommended her trying to get what the Outside World calls 'Product Placement' in this book, only for it to be impossible. Oh well, it's a lesson in life for her... oh, this book's actually pretty fun to read! I was simply going to eat it, but now you put it like that it's much better to read...


	7. 06: Chapter Six

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Six**

_If_ you are unfamiliar with how a ghost's mind works, then you are normal. In fact, I would dare say that anyone who is completely aware of how a ghost's mind works is either completely insane, or completely dead. It would seem that even Yukari Yakumo, known for her intelligence and overall plotting ability, was just as susceptible to the plights of sanity, as she was having trouble dealing with her insufferable ghost friend, a spirit who was above average in her unintelligible nature, despite the fact she could speak English. In fact, some would say that it was this very reason that she was as confusing as she was...

It only made sense, therefore, that, instead of understanding what was being said, I merely heard the words, not quite knowing what the Pink-haired, Kimono-wearing half of the two friends who were speaking within Yuyuko's house actually meant, especially considering my view of the two was slightly obscured.

Yukari laughed to herself, a smirk on her face- 'smirk' here meaning 'a large smile indicating she most likely knew something her friend didn't'- and said, "Ah, Yuyuko, it's good to see you again. You won't believe what's happened..."

Yuyuko's expression changed into one that was obfuscating stupidity, a phrase which means, 'Pretending to be stupid due to not wanting to upset the Border Youkai's pride', and absent-mindedly mused, "Oh, has there been another accident?"

"Another accident? What do you mean?" Yukari rubbed her chin, and tried to think beyond the box which a living or sane person's thinking usually keeps itself within.

The perspicacious- 'perspicacious' meaning 'almost able to see and understand everything before Border Youkai and geniuses'- ghost quizzically said, "You know, an accident with that Hakurei Border. Has that Shrine Maiden been slacking off? I bet one of these days something the size of a house could get through..."

Yukari enjoyed conversations with Yuyuko for the same reason an Otaku- a word which here means 'someone who likes ridiculously hard shooters with many young-looking women'- likes ridiculously hard shooters with many young-looking women- there was a certain element of challenge within trying to make heads or tails- an expression which means 'any sense'- of what she was saying, but almost everything she said _did _carry meaning, just not necessarily one that was instantly noticeable. Her current challenge was whether Yuyuko had figured out whether or not she had spirited an entire house away, but she knew she wasn't going to get a straight answer no matter how she asked her ghostly friend. In the end, she performed the conversational equivalent to an Otaku 'bombing' in his shooters.

"Yuyuko, what are you trying to say?" Yukari asked in a way not befitting of her intellect.

"I'm trying to say that I want a summer home and an interior designer. Why, I've even planned to send Youmu for one for tomorrow... do you think an internal designer will be there by then?" Yuyuko asked, her head apparently in the clouds- a phrase which is relating to the far-away tone of the one speaking's voice, not at all relating to altitude or water vapour.

Yukari's brain seemed to audibly whirr, although it may have been my stomach, but either way, she was visibly trying hard to keep up with her ghost associate.

It is strange, for when one person considers another person a genius, one can usually never imagine them having the trouble of understanding anything at all, be it calculus, chemistry, philosophy, or the fact that the phrase 'bird has flown the nest' is not suspicious at all, so the entire situation involving the Border Youkai, as witnessed by a person who considered the Youkai herself to be a genius, was entirely surreal- a word which here means 'a word that describes a situation involving a smart person being confused by a smarter one'.

"Oh, is that so? How do you want it decorated?" Yukari asked, assuming the ghost knew what she had done, and thus avoided telling the perspicacious spectre what she probably already knew, like I have avoided doing by not defining 'perspicacious' again.

"Oh, I want it to be in the 'destroyed' look..." Yuyuko said, giggling to herself in an oddly childlike manner.

Yukari shook her head, "Couldn't you just do that yourself?"

"Oh, but people from the outside world know how to destroy so much better than anyone in Gensokyo! I hear they make machines for destroying things..." Yuyuko explained her strange, ghostly or perhaps insane logic, "...anyhow, what I would like is this place to look like it was shot to pieces by a frightful fight..."

"...is that so?" Yukari mused, thinking in a slightly irritated manner, knowing she shouldn't have to try so hard while understanding the intellectual plebs that she usually spoke to, 'plebs' meaning 'people with less intelligence than Yukari Yakumo', "Well, I guess I could help you some time, if you ask nicely..."

"Oh? Well, that's fortunate. But don't force yourself, okay? I'm sure you have plans, don't you? Come now, don't waste your time with me..." Yuyuko seemed to be concerned about Yukari, but, seen as everything she said was hidden behind a thick veil of obscurity- a word which here means 'a level of idiocy that made it obvious she was actually incredibly intelligent, but none-the-less hid her true thoughts'- Yukari knew this was not actually the case.

After much thought, Yukari finally made her move, stuck in a conversational Zugzwang- a chess term meaning 'when you have the tactical advantage as long as none of your pieces are moved, but are in the unfortunate position of actually having to move a piece as it is your turn, ruining your beautiful, tactically superior set-up, leaving you in a tragic, unavoidable checkmate'- that was, she decided to accept her checkmate and move on, disappearing into a gap no doubt filled with the most horrific things both within the world and outside of it. Of course, she bid her friend good day, but presumably only so as not to insult the most likely incredibly dangerous ghost in front of her.

It was at this point that I noticed that I was most likely going to be stranded within the realm of the Netherworld for some time, a phrase which here means 'forever', however, I walked down down the flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights of stairs I had climbed up of, however, the experience was far easier this time around. It was fortunate enough that the three musicians which didn't quite resemble musicians were still in the same overall area, who, after a little persuasion, a word which here means 'abuse of my third eye to threaten the revealing the horrific secrets that each sister had kept from each other', they told me that the border between the Netherworld and the land of the living was not unlimited in height, and that one could simply fly over it. Doing so, I couldn't help but think that I could have just as easily taken the ghost of my eternally missed pet Iguana back to our home so that he could enjoy a glass of hot chocolate to warm his ectothermic body up, 'ectothermic' meaning 'not endothermic'.

Not knowing who or what to follow, I simply decided to return to my home in Mayohiga and drown my sorrows, a phrase which means 'drink enough sake to permanently ruin a human's liver', but, fortunately for my liver, it was in Mayohiga that I came across none other than the Border Youkai's Shikigami, Ran Yakumo, walking out of her Mistress' house with her hyperactive- a word which here means 'very active'- Shikigami, Chen. She seemed to be walking rather non-directionally, a hyphenated word that means 'in no particular direction due to lack of knowledge of where she was meant to be going'. Upon being asked, she told me that she had to deliver a letter from her mistress. Apparently it meant she was soon going to be free... both I and her feline Shikigami, Chen, did not know what she meant by this.

I decided it was probably best for me to infiltrate the Border Youkai's house and find out more, perhaps even find out what she was planning, and what the letter actually said, due to my morbid curiosity, a phrase meaning 'the resource that most Tengu are in large supply of'. Although I could not get any further than outside of her room, I could only hear her laughing to herself, and muttering something along the lines of, "Ah... she's simply perfect... I hope... no, I _know _this will work out... perfectly..."

Hindsight is a term used to describe the sensation that one has when they review their life as a memory. The most often experienced instance of hindsight is regret, that is, looking back upon one's life, you realise that there are things... that not only do you wish you have never done, but you wish had never thought of. And so, even though the Border Youkai thought at the time that her plan would be perfect, and thought that it was a perfectly legitimate idea to replace her shikigami (a plan I am only aware of due to hindsight) with a younger one at the time, the time would soon come when cruel fate would come to slap Yukari in the face, seemingly acting as a method for the cowardly mistress of fate to do so without fatal repercussions..

**Author's Notes: **I actually had to ask Yukari what her initial plan was to research for this chapter, and she said it was simply a case of replacing her Shikigami. She _did _anticipate that Ran would join Dawitsu, but never anticipated that she would like him as much as she did... and she also didn't anticipate how little Yutaka would like her. It seems the animosity between Dawitsu and Yukari has dissipated, but I can't be too sure... perhaps they could answer me themselves?

**Typist's Notes: **Hello! It's Momiji Inubashiri, back again! I apologise for the last few chapters of absence in both Tokage's Story and Hebiko's, I guess the whole workload was getting on top of me... I've barely had any time to play 'dai-shogi' with Nitori recently, although I hear she's currently not free at the moment because she's busy inventing a thing called a 'car'. Whatever that is, it probably won't catch on... wait, hang on a minute, Hebiko _still _is using this thing as a personal messaging method! I'm onto you, Lizard! Um... oh no, here come the reviewers... I may have to ask that nice human man to step in for me if this continues...

**Reviews for Chapter Six:**

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Is that really what Yuyuko was up to? Wow, with hindsight, I can see that Yuyuko was planning that whole fight from the beginning... but why? Was it... to teach Yukari a lesson about wanting more than what she's already got? No, that'd be a Broken Aesop, because I ended up gaining more because of it and remained happier because of it... could it be she really wanted to have her house in the 'destroyed look'? Wow, what was her agenda? She sure is smart, that's for sure. I just hope she doesn't eat my ghost when my time comes to go to her Netherworld... _if _I go to her Netherworld. Just where will I go when I die anyway?

Yukari Yakumo: You'll soon find out first-hand if you don't stop implying that I need to be taught lessons, Mimicker! Yuyuko is a friend, an equal, we are intellectually the same, no higher, no lower, she's just... odd about it. I don't like to say anything about her strangeness, though, I wouldn't want to upset her...

Yuyuko Saigyouji: Oh my, it seems my evil scheme has been revealed! I only wanted the colour of my walls to be the Dulux colour scheme 'singed-by-Danmaku-fight black'... Youmu, you understand, don't you? My room looks much better than before, right?

Youmu Konpaku: Yes, Mistress, you're one hundred percent correct... (is this really a review? I'm not sure...)

Ran Yakumo: Ah, yes, I remember when I walked to send that letter to Dawitsu... I didn't know where to go, what to do, but eventually, I found the house, floating in the sky, and walked into it. He, even then, was a nice person to me... I think. I'm not sure, but my mind certainly views it in a positive light... I wonder why that is...


	8. 07: Chapter Seven

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Seven**

_As _my night didn't consist of much more than weeping like the disillusioned misanthrope- a word which here means 'very very sad person'- into my lint-covered pillow, I shall not report to you the details of that. Instead, I shall perform a narrative time-skip, a phrase which means 'evidence of lazy writing or an impatient and depressed narrator', and tell you about the events of the morning. I decided that I would go to the now very much visible floating mansion that had made itself apparent in the skies above the Hakurei Shrine, and shift my focus from my depressing life to the most likely now unveiled Dawitsu and his Shikigami. I was attempting to enter the strange building by an entrance labelled 'This is not a secret entrance', but by being so caught up on the fact that the entrance was not at all secret, I stopped in place long enough to allow a rival coverer of news, Aya Shameimaru, to burst in through the wall by force.

She merely said, "I'm just here to check the ever-eventful household and... oh, this is _too good!_" before dashing straight back out again.

It was by the tone of the voice that I deduced it was most likely something scandalous and frivolous- a word which means 'scandalous'- so instead of seeing the event for myself and risk requiring mental cleansing, a phrase which here means 'a long holiday to the human village's spa', I decided to follow the Tengu and ask her what story she had just picked up.

Unfortunately, this task required me to enter the ink-fume filled house which the somewhat insane reporter called home, a task not suited for weaker types of Youkai like myself. Braving the solvent-ridden hell-hole- 'hell-hole' meaning 'house containing large traces of ink', I knocked on the Tengu's door.

The Reporter opened the door in the same way a cake would- laughing maniacally and giggling to herself. She shouted at me, "Ha ha! What do you want? I haven't got all day, you know! Got a super, super scoop to publish!"

This is the first time that my dialogue shall ever be published in this book. As I am the one speaking, it will be incomprehensibly difficult for me to describe the intonations in a subjective, normal manner. And so, instead, for every line of dialogue said, I will simply add the words 'I said', so you can understand it is I talking, but no more.

"It is actually about that... 'super, super scoop' you're talking about. I know that you only just found out about it, so tell me... what happened?" I said.

Aya giggled in a juvenile fashion- 'juvenile' here meaning 'like a Human Child of the age of three and three-quarters', and turned her head to me, "I'm not telling! It's a secret! Wait until I'm done publishing, I don't want you to steal my story!"

It was at this point I opened my third eye and simply gazed into the hapless- a word which here means 'susceptible to mind reading'- reporter's heart, obtaining this information:

The event she had recently discovered was a minor one with plenty of opportunity to use as gossip despite it most likely being as innocuous as the perpetrators claimed it was, and involved local magician Patchouli Knowledge sleeping overnight in the house of the newcomers, that man who's name I can't remember and that shikigami who's name I can't remember.

After this somewhat pointless revelation, I left without protest, the oblivious reporter- 'oblivious' here meaning 'under the false impression she had driven me away without any information'- putting her hands to her hips in a victorious stance.

Due to various reasons that I shall not go into, but are most certainly not arson, murder, or making paper hats for the local rabbit youkai, I returned to Mayohiga. I decided I would infiltrate Yukari Yakumo's house, and, fortunately for myself, the Border Youkai was asleep, but her Shikigami, Ran Yakumo, was very much awake, and was preparing a small banquet for three, and her anthropophagous Shikigami- 'anthropophagous' here meaning 'very own'- by the name of Chen was rushing every small serving of food from the kitchen where Ran had prepared it to the table in the front room.

"Good girl, Chen." Ran commended her Shikigami the same way a human would treat a non-youkai dog, or the same way a doting, over-affectionate Satori would treat her sadly missed, long-lost Iguana, "Just remember not to spill anything... I hope that the man remembers to open that letter, I wouldn't want to fail Yukari-sama..."

As if working for the evil desires of a particularly light-hearted strain of fate, Chen picked up three fun-sized portions of Sukiyaki- 'fun-sized' here referring to the tiny size of the meal, not the enjoyability of the dish- and stumbled to the ground in a spectacularly loud style. This caused such a ruckus- a word which means 'cacophony'- that it woke up the normally dormant Yukari Yakumo, and she appeared into the room as swiftly as a Tengu under the influence of Methamphetamine- a word which here means 'a strange drug only manufactured by Eirin Yagokoro that is said to make one go even faster than their usual speed'- wearing a face one could only describe as 'extremely irritated by the current ineptitude of both the Nekomata who was a Shikigami by proxy to her and her Kitsune Shikigami, who was inept enough to entrust the job to her inferior, and thus was very much prepared to punish the miscreants with applicable force.'

"What is this?" Yukari asked, her face extremely irritated, "Ran, how did you let Chen mess up my floor?"

Ran's tails seemed to fall, and her posture sank into a camber, a word which here means 'as hunched as a grieving Satori'. Her voice was noticeably reserved, and she stammered, "I... I... it wasn't my fault, I couldn't stop her, I was busy preparing the Hors D'oeuvres..."

"That is no excuse! Do _I _let _you _make foolish mistakes?" Yukari Yakumo said with a flourish that almost gave away the strange fact that her somewhat mean-spirited argument actually made sense, "Anyway, speaking of which, did you do you job correctly?"

"He received the message, but I do not know of whether or not he has read it yet..." Ran quietly said, her eyes not maintaining contact with her iron-fisted- a turn of phrase which here means 'domineering and powerful'- Mistress.

Chen said, "He's got a Shikigami too! He said she was 'as good as gold!'"

Despite her best intentions, Chen was preaching to the converted, a phrase which alludes to the pointlessness of trying to tell Christians already convinced of the religion's validity that the religion of Christianity is a valid one, and refers to the fact that not only did she know that this man had a Shikigami, but that she was also 'as good as gold'.

"You're preaching to the converted." Yukari mused, "Why do you think I sent that letter over? It's all for her..."

Chen cocked her head the way a curious child with a sickening amount of optimism would, "What do you mean, Yukari-sama?"

Ran acted as the bringer of exposition, and told the young Cat Youkai the content of the letter I had seen her carrying the day before, "The letter details a challenge, that is, that Yukari will challenge the man to a Danmaku battle. If Yukari wins, she keeps his Shikigami, if she loses, she will give us two away..."

"Oh, really? So if Yukari-sama loses, then we can stay with that strange man? He seemed nice, can we stay there?" Chen asked, her remark acting as 'foreshadowing'.

'Foreshadowing' is a tool often used by writers to subtly indicate that a certain event will take place, usually by slight hints towards an event in dialogue, or by having a minor version of the same events happen beforehand before a disaster strikes. For example, my stove burned a little more violently than usual the day before my house burned to the ground, killing everything within it including five tomato plants, Bertrand, and a small earthworm that was living in the foundation. Similarly, this request would, in hindsight, be the foreshadowing of a future event...

Yukari snapped at Chen, "What are you sounding so excited at? Don't you get it? _I'm _going to win, because I _always _win!"

This act was not foreshadowing, but merely the truth, and, seemingly in accordance to her ability to always win, Ran Yakumo nodded respectfully, "Please forgive Chen. I appreciate that soon, we will be free, Mistress..."

"What do you mean, Ran-sama?" Chen asked inquisitively, a word which here means 'in a high-pitched, childish voice not dissimilar to the ringing in my Tinnitus-ravaged ears'.

Yukari smirked in a wry manner, 'wry' in this context meaning 'falsely glad of Ran over-informing her useless secondary Shikigami', "What Ran means is that once the fight takes place, then her term will me will be over, and both you and Ran will be free to leave and... I don't know, become another person's Shikigami, or whatever it is you animals do."

Chen stayed silent in a rare turn of good fortune, and Ran unabashedly- a word which here means 'as obvious as the fact that I did not burn any houses down'- changed the subject by saying, "Oh, the Hors D'oeuvres are done cooking!" before rushing into the kitchen.

Of course, Yukari Yakumo, like any food-loving person, knew that Hors D'oeuvres did not require cooking, and in any other circumstance, would have most likely told the kitsune of her crime against the culinary world, but instead accepted the kitsune's obvious lie for the atmosphere's sake, and simply said, "Ah, I can't wait..."

**Author's Notes: **The cheek! The audacity! The nerve! The neurone! The... the... the sheer ridiculousness of it! I actually showed concern for that soulless piece of...

...oh, the story?

Uh... yeah, I had fun playing around with the obvious lamp-shading of foreshadowing and throwing in a bit of implied arson on the Narrators part, a little more intentional self-pitying, you know, all that stuff...

...but still, I just _can't _believe she'd kill me off in her stupid little fantasies! I have a good mind to...

**Typist's Notes: **Hello. Just in case you haven't bought the other book I have published, I want to tell you that this is Momiji Inubashiri, back again at full strength. I want to thank a Mister Jean Franc Levoisier from the bottom of my heart for typing for me while I was away, I... couldn't have slept soundly during my retreat without knowing someone was getting the job done... hold on, I thought I was the one who didn't like using these things as messages...

**Reviews for Chapter Seven**

Yukari Yakumo: Hmm. You seem to be depicting me as evil... I seem to recall a certain Duwee Davis fellow doing that... you're on a thin border, Hebiko. Cross me, and it may get thinner...

Tokage Reiketsu: Ha ha ha! What's this? Hebiko, you don't even know what the definition of 'Anthropophagous'! We all know it means 'small'!

Yutaka Hadekawa: Actually, it means 'Human-eating', or 'Cannibalistic' when interpreted from a human point of view. I do believe that Hebiko's wrong definition of the word was intentional, yours... I highly doubt.

Youmu Konpaku: Please can you promote my stuff? I don't care if it isn't in the book! I want a promotion that isn't... that other girl's awful fanfiction! Don't you understand? She gonna give me a bad name! If you don't promote my band, I could end up the laughing stock of the Netherworld!

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Aw, you're cute when you're all worked up... um, sorry, uh... review... um... you know what, it's difficult to say anything. I just hope Tokage doesn't continue giving you grief, she's starting to get on my rag, what with her constant deliberate waking into me and appearing at the door when us two are playing chess...


	9. 08: Chapter Eight

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Eight**

_There _is nothing wrong with knowing that you are more intelligent than other people. It should occur to anyone that so long as you are not the most idiotic person in the world- a phrase which here means 'Tokage Reiketsu'- there will always be someone who is less intelligent than yourself. Yet, for whatever reason, many people pretend to be less intelligent than they actually are, usually to fit in with their idiotic friends, and end up resigning themselves to a pitiful, degrading existence. However, some people have good reason to act in a way not fitting of their intelligence... those which are so intelligent, they are seen as, more than simply 'uncool', but a genuine threat to their surroundings. This is most relevant to Yuyuko Saigyouji, who was relaxing in her house, waiting for someone to arrive.

Some days had passed since my last chapter, and I had recently climbed the flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights of stairs necessary to access the Netherworld, now that I knew the border to the Netherworld was about as effective as a paper bag labelled 'do not go through', and so I was in a prime position to view Yukari Yakumo appear within the ghost's house, and the Border Youkai tapped the Ghost on the back despite her ectoplasmic constitution, a phrase which here means 'being made up of a ghostly, supernatural substance that should not be able to be touched by mortals'.

"Hello, Yuyuko, I have something to tell you..." Yukari calmly said, her eyes shifting while she stifled a grin. Her shikigami entered the room via a large hole in reality itself.

Yuyuko's face had an absent-mindedness to them, as if she had completely left the world and gone to Cloud Cuckoo Land- a literary phrase pertaining to the surreal realm of imagination- yet still answered the Youkai, "Oh, I was just thinking about the bumblebees..."

"The bumblebees?" Yukari asked, before I detected a slight change in her heart's disposition as she cursed herself for giving the ghost an opportunity to go off on a tangent, a word which means 'what this author does all the time'.

"Yes. They fly so calmly compared to Butterflies and Flies, perhaps I should learn how to use them as projectiles? Their stingers would be quite useful against humans..." Yuyuko mused reservedly.

"Ah, but erratic projectiles are the best ones for hitting opponents..." Yukari replied, not quite forgetting her agenda but merely playing along with Yuyuko's game, "I always make sure at least type of bullet in my spell-cards are ones that change direction..."

"Ah, but the bumblebee doesn't need to be erratic, it searches for the pollen and goes straight to it..." Yuyuko pointed out, "Oh, but it seems you have something to say, Yukari..."

Yukari seized the opportunity like a nineteen-twenties police officer of the outside world seizes an illegal speak-easy- a hyphenated word meaning 'terrible, criminal-filled area'- and said, "Yes, what I wanted to tell you was that there is a great and wonderful feast going on at Eientei! I hear that they're even serving chicken there..."

When someone tells you blatant lies, you should, in most situations, say 'No, that is a blatant lie', however, when that said person is a good friend of yours, it rarely ever is that easy, for they abuse your trust and ask you why you don't believe them. So, Yuyuko, who was being lied to in a manner obvious to herself, she simply went along with the lie, acting as if she believed it.

Yuyuko giggled in false excitement, and said, "Oh, really? That seems delightful! You'll look after the house until the decorator arrives, won't you?" instead of "No, that is a blatant lie."

This caused Yukari to rub her chin in thought, and she wondered out loud, "Who's this decorator?"

"Well, you are waiting for someone here, aren't you?" Yuyuko mused, somewhat flaunting her wit, "I wonder who will come first, your friend or the decorator? Oh my, oh my, the outcome... it's a shame I have so much eating to do, I would love to see the outcome..."

Yuyuko levitated above the ground, and travelled through the wall I was hiding behind to take notes, and seemed to not care about my presence, which doesn't surprise me, for I am a dull, lifeless misanthrope- 'misanthrope' meaning 'someone with no friends, no motivation, and no criminal record relating to arson'- and am by no means notable. I then had the somewhat tedious task of watching Yukari waiting while her Shikigami paced around in silence.

Eventually, the kitsune asked her Mistress, "How can you be sure he'll appear?"

"Because he's probably received the letter and read it by now. Naturally, he's going to try to train himself up, and thanks to Yuyuko asking... a favour of him, I have this rendezvous. He'll go here eventually, he has to..." Yukari answered in a self-assured manner.

Ran decided to make herself some tea in the kitchen after being filled in on the plan, and Yukari made _herself_ comfortable by sitting in _Yuyuko's_ somewhat comfortable Kotatsu- a word which means 'the greatest comfort anyone can have in the winter'- and the tedium continued as such for about ten minutes.

It was at around this time that a pair of voices could be heard gradually getting closer to the house. They seemed to be climbing the flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights of stairs that preceded the Ghost's House.

I hid around the corner of the house as the two people approached it, and I could just about see that it was the black-haired, loud-mouthed Youkai Man, who was accompanied by his diminutive Shikigami- 'diminutive' here meaning 'short'- and were discussing which door was the front door of the house.

Such an insipid conversation usually would never reach the publication desk without being ripped apart by vicious editors, but nonetheless, due to my intense desire to do something other than play scarecrow- a phrase which means 'watch Yukari and Ran kill time in an extremely boring manner'- I listened in on the conversation.

"So, is the front door here? Or is it here?" Dawitsu asked, pointing to a door around the corner from where I was stationed, and to one which I couldn't see due to being at the other side of the house, and eventually he settled on a door- a phrase which cannot believe I am typing due to the sheer pointlessness of it all- and opened it. The following speeches are what's called by idiotic people who like to watch fights as a 'build-up taunt', and went as follows:

"Oh, so you just barge in here? I guess 'poor manners' is just one of the many unappealing things to be said about you..." Yukari taunted as the mimicker entered the room.

Dawitsu seemed genuinely surprised, due to the Dramatic Irony of everyone else important being in on it but himself and his Shikigami, "Damn it! So Yuyuko was in on this too?"

"That's not true. I simply tricked her into going to Eientei for a feast. She'll be looking for the buffet room for hours, so I took the opportunity to wait here." Yukari smirked, despite not fully knowing whether she had really tricked her ghostly ally or whether she had been tricked by her.

"Hmph. You trick your friends? Well, I guess I can add 'Duplicitous' to the list of unappealing things to be said about you!" Dawitsu replied, his wording somewhat suitably mimicking Yukari's style of insult.

For those of you unaware, 'Duplicitous' means 'two-faced', or 'lying, scheming, and incredibly good at acting'. While this word is in most cases correctly used to describe Yukari, Yukari is not the kind of person to like using words such as 'Duplicitous', and would much rather hear a simpler word or phrase, like 'two-faced', 'lying, scheming, and incredibly good at acting', or 'catfish'. So, instead of responding to the semi-learned word with an appraisal of intelligence, she merely derided the mimicker.

"Stop using long words to make yourself sound intelligent. You're not. Whereas, your shikigami..." Yukari gestured towards Yutaka, who squirmed slightly under being highlighted, "...is a fine specimen indeed. And yet, she's the one below you in hierarchy. That's not justice. A place under me is far better than one under you. So, shall I make things right and beat you at this fight?"

It seemed that some sort of battle had been planned. Due to hindsight, I now realise the context was incredibly obvious, but at the time, it took me a while to piece together the fact that the letter issuing a 'challenge' was in fact a challenge to battle, and that, seemingly due to Yuyuko's manipulation, the Border Youkai and the Mimicker had met together as if fated so, although I could hardly see the cold mistress of Fate's hand controlling this... it was certainly the unrelated planning of both Yuyuko and Yukari which had caused this meeting, and it was during this mental tangent that I missed what may have been some of the 'best lines' before the fight.

By the time my mind had rejoined the conversation, the two had worked their way to Dawitsu shouting, "What's your problem with the outside world? I happened to like it there, you harpy!"

Yukari remained calm, and stated, "All you did was say your opinion. You did not back it up with any evidence or reasoning. If you're not willing to give Yutaka up willingly... then I guess we must settle this with Danmaku. It's the only way cavemen like you would settle things, right?"

Dawitsu swiftly parried, "Isn't that what they all do in Gensokyo?"

"Point well made." Yukari mused, "If that's the way you want it, I'll call upon my Shikigami, Ran..."

Ran walked from the kitchen to the living room, her ears low down in a somewhat melancholic position, "...so, Mistress, this is it?"

Yukari nodded with a somewhat uncharacteristic amount of enthusiasm, "Yes! I want you to shoot them to pieces every chance you get!"

"Is it... okay if I don't attack his Shikigami?" Ran asked.

"Why? Why shouldn't you?" Yukari asked, which, from the perspective, made total sense.

"Because... she rendered me a favour... I couldn't just betray her like that..." Ran mused.

Allow me to define a pacifist. A pacifist is someone who does not fight. However, if someone is not a pacifist in attitude, it somewhat comes off as cowardly. For example, if someone is enlisted in an army, and they do nothing but sit in the barracks, never fighting, they are not a pacifist, they are a coward. However, if someone who is opposed to violence but gets enlisted into the army regardless decides to become a medic who goes into the fray to pick up injured soldiers and administer medicinal aid, then that is a shining example of a brave pacifist.

Yutaka, who was by many means, a brave pacifist, merely allowed the possibility of herself being hurt, "It's okay, I won't blame you if I get hit..."

Dawitsu, however, was far from pacifistic, "But if your Mistress hits Yutaka, I'll never forgive her..."

Yukari sniggered, "Oh, and why would I want your forgiveness? Ooh, will the big bad mimicker hurt me? I've had enough of this... Shikigami: Ran Yakumo!"

**Author's Notes: **Oh my, this was hard to document. Yukari seemed to have the best recollection of exactly what she said prior to the battle, and, to be perfectly honest, not much of it sounded witty or intelligent, so I merely added my own little spice of my own into the mixture.

I must say, I somewhat admire Yuyuko. She's smart. Dead smart. And I'm just surprised she's being as honest as she is with me, she's told every part of what her plan was... but she didn't tell me what she wanted as the end result. Maybe that's a secret...

**Typist's Notes: **Nothing to report. Good books sure are boring.

**Reviews for Chapter Eight:**

Youmu Konpaku: Pleeeeeease! Pleeeease! Just give a little speech in the Netherworld! I'll take you there! Just tell the ghosts there that my fans aren't all brain-dead, crazy lizards! Come on! **[Typist's Note: **This review, although unable to be deleted, has been marked as not a real review. Don't bother reading it.**]**

Tokage Reiketsu: Hey! The definition for the most idiotic person in the world is not 'Tokage Reiketsu'! Where'd you get that dumb idea from? Also, how come people are calling me out on me putting a self-insert in my story when I'm not! Just look at Hebiko's! She's even having that stupid self-insert narrate the thing!

Mateyuu Dawitsu: What you're forgetting, Tokage, is that self-inserts aren't always bad, as long as you give them plenty of human... er... and youkai flaws. Your self-insert is... well, it's actually quite disturbing, the thought of you in a nurse's outfit, but... hold on, I've lost my train of thought. Does anyone know the nearest Satori so I can lose my memory real fast?

Yutaka Hadekawa: Aw, how cute! The Boss is being all protective of Hebiko... oh, I wonder, I wonder, if I could get them closer, maybe I could... what, Hebiko's in the next room? Ah! Uh... what was I saying? Uh... nothing, Hebiko, nothing...


	10. 09: Chapter Nine

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Nine**

_Fight _scenes are, much to my chagrin- a word which here means 'frustration that they are long, drawn out, and hard to write'- frustratingly long, drawn out, and hard to write. And although I can certainly recount to you that the fight between the plagiarizer- a word which here means 'person who mimics things that he sees in visual mediums'- and the Prima Donna of Gensokyo- 'Prima Donna' being an term used in Opera for 'the Border Youkai of Gensokyo'- was a glorious one, it is hard to recount forth such glory by merely saying as such. For example, if I were to tell you that my Beef Stroganoff was tasty, you would have a hard time believing me, but if I were to say that the first bite of my Beef Stroganoff was a heavenly, succulent piece of rump steak topped with a creamy mushroom sauce; I added pepper and salt to the mixture to my taste after the decidedly mediocre first bite, and from that point onwards it was a filling and delicious meal, then you would certainly believe that I had eaten the delicious dish myself, and was not merely concocting an absurd story about Beef Stroganoff from the bowels of my misanthropic mind.

So, as unfortunate as it may be for me, should I continue my story, I cannot simply say, 'The fight between the plagiarizer and the Prima Donna of Gensokyo was a glorious one', and instead have to give you an entire chapter's worth of descriptive battle in order for you to take my word as more than mere fictitious gossip- a phrase which here means 'whatever the Bunbunmaru Spirit News publishes'.

Yukari had just called out 'Shikigami: Ran Yakumo', an attack which involved Yukari sitting around doing next to nothing while her kitsune lackey did all the dirty work. She began to rotate at a speed quite unsettling for a Satori, although it was normal for the mammal youkai to do such a thing, while firing bullets shaped like Lepidoptera- a word which means 'what lepidopterists collect'- all the time while Dawitsu and Yutaka dodged somewhat expertly.

Yutaka, although a strong, resolute person of great intelligence, was having particular trouble with dodging this attack. Dawitsu, however, seemed to have acquired some kind of stopwatch to stop time, as shortly after he held up the clock, he disappeared, and reappeared on the other side of the room, holding his Shikigami gently while knives seemingly appeared from nowhere. This didn't seem to faze Yukari, who simply sidestepped when appropriate in a nonchalant manner- 'nonchalant' meaning 'without much, if any effort whatsoever'.

"Come on, you two! Show me something interesting!" Yukari requested in a sarcastic manner, prompting Dawitsu to fulfil her request.

"Fine! Combination Sign: Lunar Madness!" Dawitsu called, and soon the room began to sway back and forth, almost as if the madness was contagious for everyone watching. It was changing colour, and Dawitsu had formed a set of white orbs in a line, which fired several bullets shaped like suppositories- a word which here means 'things you will learn about when you grow up'- at the Border Youkai. Dawitsu's eyes flickered a strange red colour, and it caused the crayon-shaped bullets to disappear, before reappearing in a slightly different location. Shortly afterwards, he began to spin like a spinning top while laughing in a manner best described as 'demented'- such a word that means 'not of sound mind'.

As he did so, he sprayed various shapes of bullets, all coloured purple, and continued his assault until the next time he had to stop and alter the bullet configuration. It was quite the impressive display, and admittedly, should I have been faced with the task of dodging it, I would have failed.

Fortunately for Yukari, her dodging skills were far beyond my own, and she even covered up her face with her fan to give herself a challenge as she easily weaved between what little spaces between the bullets there were. It was as if her mind was busy playing chess with itself on seven different chessboards, and she was winning every single game, all while her physical body was dodging and attacking the somewhat harder-working mimicker.

Seemingly determined to do no work herself, Yukari ordered Ran to perform 'Protection of Zenki and Goki', a strange manoeuvre that involved Ran forming several large balls of danmaku, and an accompanying clump of smaller bullets to go with it, and throw them in pairs straight at her two targets. It was easy to dodge, mainly due to the nature of the bullets being aimed straight at the intended target.

This may seem counter-intuitive. However, when one is shot at directly, one always knows the best way to dodge it; keep moving. This process is known by the people who fight in Danmaku battles regularly as 'streaming'.

Yutaka 'streamed' the bullets with ease, and suddenly, almost... without warning, she actually attacked. She called out, "Environmental Sign: Mayan Calendar Expiration!"

This spell-card did a small-scale replication of what many interpret to be the way the world would end. She lifted her arms, and ground began to crack, large pieces of rock stabbing from the ground. However, Yukari was quite prepared for the one which lunged at her, and grabbed her unwitting Shikigami by her clothes. The result was about three wounds in total, Yukari's wounds totalling zero and Ran's totalling three. The shikigami became flexuous- a word which here means 'about as flexible as a plush doll'- and was thrown to the side by her apathetic- 'apathetic' meaning 'languid'- Mistress like a cloth after it has been used to wipe the windows.

Although Yutaka could have continued attacking, her pacifistic conscience- a word which here means 'What Tokage Reiketsu doesn't have'- forced her to stop attacking and instead check if the debilitated- a word which here means 'injured'- Kitsune was injured.

"Ran! Are you okay?" Yutaka asked concernedly, a word which here means 'how Yukari should have felt'.

However, like if one were talking to the used cloth after it has been used to wipe the windows, Yutaka was not given a response from the kitsune, merely silence. Dawitsu, despite the fact I was admiring Yutaka more for the fact she was willing to stop fighting for the safety of her supposed enemy, was admiring Yutaka before that, while she was attacking, and, unfortunately for myself, encouraged more fighting and less caring.

"You can help her out later! For now, just finish off showing me just how awesome a girl you can be!" Dawitsu called out, moving and dodging a set of lasers and Lepidoptera-based bullets which Yukari fired from the point he was formerly at.

Although she could have been a pacifist, the fact was that in this situation, there was not much of a choice beyond 'help the man who has been your friend and giver of home for years', and assisted Dawitsu by altering the wavelength of Yukari's lasers and the refractive index- a phrase that means 'the tendency of a transparent medium to bend light'- of the air close to the aforementioned lasers to deflect the concentrated light right back at the Border Youkai.

Due to it being her own attack, Yukari seemed genuinely hurt as the laser pierced her, or at least, she put up a convincing act of pain compared to her usual attitude- a phrase which here means 'shrugging off knives, energy balls, and death rays aimed at or hitting you'- and said, "Ouch! Is that how you treat your future mistress?"

Dawitsu, despite his usual idiocy, picked up on the implication in this sentence- a phrase meaning 'the fact that Yukari was going to win, take his beloved shikigami, and leave him in the Netherworld to be pestered by her absent-minded, ingenious, ghostly friend.'- and took insult to it, saying, "You're not her future mistress... say goodbye!"

He proceeded to perform an attack named 'Duplex Spark'. This name is what literary scholars call a 'Portmanteau', or a fusion of two names, in this case, Marisa Kirisame's Master Spark and Reimu Hakurei's Duplex Barrier. The result was a grid of shrine maiden amulets forming itself around the Border Youkai, followed by a large, kaleidoscopic laser- 'kaleidoscopic' meaning 'of so many beautiful and iridescent- a word which here means 'reflective and shiny'- coloured that it rendered me unable to use any other word than kaleidoscopic to describe it' that would have hit the Border Youkai, however, she formed a set of Borders around herself with her 'bomb' attack, Quadruple Barrier.

Once again hoping to rely on her Shikigami, she called out to Ran, "Hey, stop sleeping and help me!"

However, she had been hoist by her own petard- a phrase that means 'put in an awkward position due to using her own shikigami as a shield'- as Ran was still lying on the floor, unable to answer beyond an unintelligible babble. Knowing this was not an attack, Yukari finally started to take the fight seriously, and performed 'Yukari's Arcanum: Danmaku Bounded Field'. This attack consisted of two familiars forming a static, spherical layer of bullets as they moved, and then, when the time came, causing them to move again, forming a trapping system few could escape from. However, the regularity of the move seemed to be its weakness, as both Dawitsu and Yutaka were dodging it fairly well, albeit barely. Due to the attack's nature, it forced Dawitsu and Yutaka to close in on the Border Youkai.

Yukari used this opportunity to gloat the mimicker, and she slowly whispered, "You're going to be all alone. You're going to be so lonely that you'll wish you were dead..."

As many of you may know, men are, despite superficially similar to their female equivalents, very different creatures to women. A woman would either burst into tears, remain quiet, or come up with a witty retort should they be told of their impending loneliness. But a man is a creature of pride, a phrase meaning 'something not likely to burst into tears, remain silent, or come up with a witty retort', and will instead resort to barbarian methods of response, which in this case means 'punching Yukari in the face'.

Dawitsu resorted to a barbarian method of response, and punched Yukari in the face, causing her to lose concentration despite it affecting her as much as a feather affects a regular person's face, and this rendered the attack she was performing unpredictable enough to throw Yutaka off, and cause her to be hit. Not being all that used to either dishing out or receiving damage, she promptly fell unconscious. Dawitsu stared at his Shikigami in concern, but before he could somewhat predictably call out her name, Yukari delivered her response to his punch- a clubbing on the head with her parasol.

The fight soon degraded to one of colourful bullets to a raw fist fight, with Dawitsu using machetes, cleavers, and other unspeakably vicious-looking weapons, while Yukari fended him off easily with her Parasol alone. Yukari became self-assured- a word which here means 'knowing of the fact she had won'- and said, "Your Shikigami is going to be fifty percent more efficient than both Ran and Chen combined. It's such a shame she's wearing such stupid clothes... I'll rectify that when I take her home..."

This remark was the straw that broke the camel's back- a phrase which means 'the tiny insult that ultimately drives a person into an anger-filled frenzy'- and Dawitsu got out a large rainbow-coloured sword, and performed one last spell-card; Copycat Sign: Omnislash.

He began slashing relentlessly- a word which here means 'in futility'- at Yukari, but every slash missed. Finally, after what seemed like the twenty-five-and-a-halfth slash, Yukari grabbed the mimicker's arm, and threw him into rings of bullets that surrounded the pair, causing him to be hit until he lost consciousness, and so, by definition, also lost the battle.

At this point, I was fortunate enough to see Yukari laugh ever so slightly, before picking up the unconscious body of Yutaka Hadekawa and walking out of the now destroyed beyond recognition house, seemingly unwilling to open up a gap for herself. I followed her briefly, but decided it would actually be better to see what Ran, who had been left there for dead, would do next...

**Author's Note: **It seems strange, but I can't see... Yutaka, fighting at all. She isn't the type, she's just not aggressive in any way. Although, she does take Chess Matches _very _seriously, as does her boss. I must say, recently, it's been nice, the Dawitsu household seem to be very accepting of me...

For some reason, Yutaka deliberately spilled tea on my shirt the other day. She claims it was an accident, but I could tell by the way she walked that it was deliberate. She kept insisting that Dawitsu should give me his shirt or something... I mean, he did, but I don't understand why she would do that... huh? Why are you laughing, Jean? Do you know something I don't?

**Typist's Notes: **Ah, l'amor! I may not have been born in Paris, but I have certainly lived there for a while, and I think it is obvious what is happening here... ah, Yutaka, you are the Cupid Angel, are you not? Do not think you can fool me! Ah, I imagine that the Youkai Man is... how do you say? Not seeing the point? Yes, I imagine that is the case. But, ah ha... it was actually because of a friend's meddling that me and Patricia got together... ah, all in the past days, of course...

**Reviews for Chapter Nine:**

Tokage Reiketsu: Michel! How could you! It's not like that at all! How could you infer that... that someone would try to get... that... ugly... stupid creep Hebiko with that stud Dawitsu! It's not true, I tell you! It's not! It's all lies!

Yutaka Hadekawa: Um... er... yes! I don't consider Hebiko unattractive or stupid, but it is a logical fallacy that I would be trying to bring those two together... if they do, it's simply because they love each other... I didn't meddle at all, it's all lies...

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Hold on, hold on... what? That was on purpose... to try and ship me and Hebiko together? I just thought Yutaka was trying to be all... you know, cute and stuff, and accidentally hit Hebiko in the process. Yutaka, why would you want to ship us two together. I mean sure, we have similar interests, intellect, self-esteem and habits, but I'm not so sure that we're compatible as a couple, that's all...

Sakuya Izayoi: Story of my life. Dawitsu's so wishy-washy.

Alice Margatroid: I agree with Sakuya. Too wishy-washy.

Ran Yakumo: I DON'T WANT HIM TO GET WITH HEBIKO!

Rinnosuke Morichika: Hold on, this guy's always complaining that he has no luck with the ladies and that he's jealous of me... he seems to have quite the following right here... I mean, come on, one of them is MY FREAKIN' GIRLFRIEND!

Yukari Yakumo: Don't worry, Rinnosuke, he doesn't stand a chance with anyone. Oh, the story? I thought this was a typed-up chat room, I must be in the wrong place...


	11. 10: Chapter Ten

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Ten**

_If _you have the unfortunate task of being a Satori, you will know that the mind is not only a terrible thing to read, it is a debauched, frightening, and somewhat disturbing realm to see. Everyone has somewhat terrible thoughts from time to time, but being able to know these things is known to depress even the most happy-go-lucky individuals. However, there was an altogether more boring task at hand for myself, that was, waiting for the now disowned Ran Yakumo to get up from her painful experience as the Border Youkai's personal shield. So, as much as I complain about my role as a Satori, I happened to use my third eye to my advantage, and passed the time by entering the house and reading the hearts of the incapacitated- a word which here means 'lying on the floor in a pool of saliva'- Ran Yakumo and Mateyuu Dawitsu. Their thoughts respectively were as follows:

'I do hope my Mistress hasn't disowned me without discharging me first... how could I tell if she did? Do I... do I go to her and ask her? She's probably waiting for me when I get up... yes, she certainly would do that. I am sure that she wouldn't. Where will I go once I'm discharged? Are there other Shikigami owners nearby? I'm not sure what I'd do without a Mistress... do I work only for myself? If so, what will I do for the rest of the day? What happens now? I'm... afraid of the future...'

And secondly- a word which here means 'Dawitsu's thoughts'.

'Ow... my head... something's... ringing. Perhaps I'm hearing things... wait, what's happened? I'm unconscious, I know that much, but why am I unconscious? Did I get into a fight? Oh, wait... Yukari... so... where's Yutaka? Where's Yutaka? Where's Yutaka? Where's Yutaka...'

The same thought seemed to repeat itself over and over within the Mimickers head, a fact that both moved me and rendered me in a state of tedium- a word which here means 'extreme boredom from the repetitious thoughts'- causing me to leave his thoughts and re-enter Ran's, however, all they seemed to indicate she was waking up, so I decided to hide as her facial features twitched woozily- a word which here means 'like a person who was just starting to wake up'- and watched from a safe distance to see what she would do next.

The next thing she did was similar to the way I am when I get up; she looked around at her surroundings, and then slowly cried to herself. However, her reason for doing so was very different to my own; whereas I cry every morning due to my loss of the only thing I could remotely call a friend, she was crying because she had lost the only thing could remotely call a slave-driver. She pushed herself off the ground once she brought herself to stop crying, and stood over the mimicker that was lying not too far from where she was.

She seemed to be gazing at the man intently, but whatever thoughts she may have been brewing within her head were interrupted by the sonorous- a word which here means 'strangely echoing'- voice of the owner of the house she was in. Not wanting the ghost to think that she was responsible for the decrepit- 'decrepit' meaning 'destroyed beyond repair, from the cracked ceilings and walls, to the singed rugs and the ugly, purple-stained kotatsu'- state of her house, she quickly sped out of the entrance she considered to be the least likely to be the one the enigmatic- a word which here means 'mentally removed, yet superior'- ghost would not enter through.

Naturally, fate conspired against her, and upon approaching the nearest door, it opened to reveal Yuyuko Saigyouji and her vassal- a word which here means 'thin, hard-working, sword-wielding gardener'. Smiling in a far-away manner, Yuyuko asked the Kitsune, "Hello, Shikigami. What are you doing without your Master? I assume the decorator came over as planned?"

"The decorator?" Ran asked, seemingly having forgotten the whimsical- a word which here means 'pointless'- conversation with the Ghost.

Pointing to the dead-weight on the floor, Yuyuko smiled and said, "Ah, look, Youmu! The decorator! He's arrived, just as planned. My, oh my, when he becomes a ghost, I'll have to thank him for his help..."

Youmu shuddered disconcertedly- a word meaning 'knowing exactly what her Ghostly mistress meant'- and said, "Uh... can't we just thank him when he gets up?"

Yuyuko turned the Fox Youkai, who had already tried to leave without the traditional 'goodbye' that accompanies leaving a house under most circumstances, with circumstances excluding such behaviour including when you're the only sober one at the party, when you're the only one living in the house, and when you've just set fire to that house. But seen as Ran had not done any of these things, Yuyuko decided to keep Ran a little longer before letting her go.

"Oh, Ran! Did you and Yukari also help with the decorating? It looks simply wonderful! But it seems that this poor fellow has worked the hardest, why, he can't even stand up..." Yuyuko said, obfuscating obliviousness- a word which here means 'not how Yuyuko Saigyouji truly is'.

"Um... if you say so. Anyway, I've got to get going..." Ran mused, quick to try and get away, however, found herself somehow unable to. Because getting Youmu and Yuyuko drunk, sending the same two Netherworld dwellers out of the house, and setting fire to the house were all far too difficult, Ran decided to grant herself the ability to leave the house by simply bowing and saying, "Goodbye." before running out of the house as swiftly as a Crow Tengu dashing after gossip.

Deciding to leave the Netherworld so as to confirm her own freedom from the Border Youkai, Ran couldn't help but feel a small pain within her head. Although she seemed to be under the impression it was due to physical trauma, I could assure you that the dull ache that permeated her brain was one that regularly plagues my own mind... it was the feeling of purposelessness, a feeling akin to becoming a tiny ant in a field filled with tiny ants and one starving, emaciated- a word which here means 'starving'- anteater. Determined despite this dull ache, she somehow got to the village of Mayohiga despite her moth-eaten state- 'moth-eaten' being a hyphenated word that means 'covered with ripped clothes and an utterly unfit-for-purpose mob cap'- and knocked on the door of the house that was formerly her own.

The Border Youkai herself answered the door, and instantly noted the presence of the kitsune with a slight grunt of annoyance, "Oh, it's you. What do you want? I'm finished with you now. You're free to go."

Ran was not expecting such a succinct- a word which means 'cold-hearted'- response to a question she hadn't even asked yet. She held her head down, seemingly unable to take the news without a short pause, but she soon brought herself to say something, "Um... Mistress? Are there any last requests you want to make of me? Which mistress do you want me to go to?"

"I don't care! You're not my problem any more! As far as I'm concerned, you're redundant. If you're desperate for a master, it isn't an issue for me. It can be anyone as far as I'm concerned..." Yukari answered insensitively.

Allow me to explain how it was this phrasing that ultimately led to Yukari's downfall. Surprisingly enough, Ran's heart was still receptive to Yukari's orders. If she had merely said, 'Do not get a new mistress', or 'I _do _care who you work for next', or 'Do not become Dawitsu's Shikigami', then she could have had at least an insurance Shikigami should things not work out with Yutaka. But, of course, this is the work of hindsight, and at the time, Yukari saw this answer as nothing more than an arsenic-lined farewell that, contrary to the name, did not contain any wishes for the kitsune to fare well.

Ran nodded respectfully, "Yes, Yukari-sa... uh... yes, Yukari. Where is Chen at the moment?"

"Chen is currently playing with the non-youkai cats in the street. She should be close by." the Border Youkai explained in a somewhat civil manner, as if she was now talking to complete stranger.

"Thank you, Yukari." Ran said, forcing her verbal mannerism of adding the honorific '-sama' to her ex-mistress' name into the back of her mind.

I decided I would follow her to this location to see what would happen next. The result was somewhat disappointing- she simply told her Shikigami that she was no longer under Yukari's control, and took her to an abandoned house to spend the night sleeping.

Such an event barely interested me, so instead, I decided to sleep myself, filling my mind with the day's events so as to stave off the recurrent memories of Bertrand's happy, reptilian face. Although I only managed to sleep for four miserable hours, I seemed to awaken late in the morning, and I decided to check inside the Dawitsu Mansion to see how the mimicker was coping with the revelation that his Shikigami had been taken from him.

Upon arriving, I found much evidence to suggest he wasn't coping at all, a phrase meaning 'he was instead drinking the expensive, twenty-year-old whiskey bottles bought for him for his three hundred and first, three hundred and second, and three hundred and third birthdays'. He merely sat in his foyer's sofa, pouring tumbler-full after tumbler full of alcoholic spirit- a word which here means 'poison for the liver'- into his quivering mouth, looking increasingly pathetic with each tumbler-full. It was by the time he had finished off what remained of his first bottle and had just reached half-way through his second that he picked up a match-box from the fireplace, stumbled into his dining room, seemingly to light a candle that lay on the table, but he collapsed before he could strike the phosphorous-based- a hyphenated word meaning 'consisting of a red, flammable substance that burns with a white flame, as opposed to a red flame, like some idiotic authors believe'- incendiary device, lying on his table like an undignified, worthless loner- a phrase which here means 'myself'- and he fell unconscious once again, wallowing in his own purposelessness just like Ran was.

It would seem that an altogether more logical fate would be bringing the two purposeless souls together, and it was a most unlikely agent of fate indeed that would do so...

**Author's Notes:** Hello, again! When researching for this chapter, Dawitsu felt really uncomfortable talking to me about his little... episode with the whiskey. Apparently that was the only drink he had in because practically every family member of his seemed to buy each other whiskey for their birthdays, as if it was an unofficial tradition. By the way, Dawitsu, you're not weak for being upset about telling me that... you're brave for being able to tell me about it, and you're a good person for being honest with yourself and knowing you were wrong to drink yourself into that stupor...

**Typist's Notes: **Hello. Momiji Inubashiri here, back after another retreat. I'm sorry, I got really addicted to dai-shogi... Nitori's getting better, I swear! Anyway... that Lizard's still using this thing as a message board. I mean, sure, talk about how you obtained your info, but if you're going to just turn it into a 'Oh, hi!' then you may as well just talk to people yourself!

**Reviews for Chapter Ten:**

Aya Shameimaru: Okay, even though I'm a little offended by last chapter's remark about Hatate and I's entirely accurate newspaper, I would like to say, as the only actual witness to Dawitsu when he was lying on the table, drunk... I'd like to tell you that it was... quite scary, actually. He... just seemed fed up with everything. It's strange to see a Youkai complain that his life means nothing... I mean, Yutaka sure must mean a lot to him, right?

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Hebiko, thank you. Aya and Yourself are the only people I've ever told about that... and well, this sort of feels like a confession... yes, Yutaka, this is where all the whiskey went... I didn't tell you because I didn't want you thinking I was damaging myself because you were gone... I'm sorry...

Yutaka Hadekawa: Boss... I don't believe it... and he told Hebiko? They're... they're... they're _perfect for each other!_ Why won't they get together? I've made the push! I've put it out there... why isn't it happening?

Tokage Reiketsu: Because they're not meant to be, idiot! Anyway, there's no way that hottie Dawitsu would ever be so depressed that he'd drink spirits all on his own... I mean, that's totally inaccurate! My depiction is so much better!

Ran Yakumo: So... that's why Dawitsu and Aya were walking to Aya's house together... I... I just followed him because I figured he'd take me on... I didn't realise he had only recently been drowning his sorrows over Yutaka... I... I wouldn't have asked him if I knew how strongly he was missing Yutaka at the time... now I know why he...

Yuyuko Saigyouji: Oh my, so that's what my decorator did after he left? It's a shame he's a Youkai, otherwise I could have had the interesting ghost I was after all that time ago...

Youmu Konpaku: Mistress! It's not proper to say things like that!


	12. 11: Chapter Eleven

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Eleven**

_I_, although particularly well-built and good-looking, if I do say so myself, am not what many would consider to be a good person. If I was a good person, I would not be writing this chapter, instead I would have approached the lying, incapacitated, drunken Youkai which lay on his table in a similar manner to a wet cloth lying on a bullied child's head, and tried to comfort him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But, I am an honest person, not a good one, so, instead of comforting him, I stood in the sidelines, not wanting to tell him either white lies nor brutal truths. That said, not many would consider Aya Shameimaru to be a particularly good person either, however, she, unlike me, did things befitting of a good person.

For instead of sitting in the corner with a notepad, Aya Shameimaru burst into the Mansion through the wall as per usual- a phrase here meaning 'as befitting of her ruinous effect on both reputations and house walls'- and declared that she had come to see Dawitsu pertaining to her latest article.

Due to being in a massive depression- a word which means 'a mood which consists of grief-stricken person bathing in alcohol as a response to their problems as opposed to solving them'- Dawitsu was beyond apathetic, and didn't even acknowledge Aya's presence.

The reporter's face seemed to shift from a cheery, self-advertising face to a mildly perturbed one- 'perturbed' meaning 'actually concerned about the well-being of the lying, black-haired youkai who may or may not be a member of her own species in front of her'- and she walked up to him, shaking him lightly, "Hey, newcomer... what's... what's wrong? Did you drink too much at a party?"

"Go to hell, Aya." Dawitsu mumbled rancorously- a word which here means 'through clenched teeth, so as to make the wording sound bitter and spiteful', "My life's over..."

"What?" Aya asked, that is, due to lack of belief in what the mimicker had said, not due to not hearing him.

"My life has no meaning any more. Leave me alone." Dawitsu muttered, his sadness surfacing under the façade of bitterness- 'façade' being a word based on French, meaning in this context 'a protective emotional shell to hide behind'.

This is where being a good person comes into play- a phrase which here means 'become relevant', as opposed to 'is passed backward to the burly American Football player behind you'. When told by someone who is quite clearly distraught to leave them alone, many people, me included, would simply leave the person in peace, giving the person what they superficially want. A bad person may even stay around to rub the salt in the wound- a phrase which hear means 'exploit the depression of the said individual so as to make them cry uncontrollably and satisfy their sick, sadistic mind with their emotional pain'- however, such people are rarely this mean-spirited. A good person, however, will try and help to heal the emotional scars of the individual, and comfort them in their hour of need despite their protesting.

However, Aya managed to evade fitting into any of these categories at all, and remained ignorant of the situation so as to tell the malaise-ridden mimicker of her latest printing ideas, "Um... I was going to print a retraction about that uh... article... you know, clear your name! Make you a beloved resident of Gensokyo! I'll even write in some white lies!"

"Why would you want to do that?" Dawitsu murmured scathingly, a word which here means 'with much cynicism and lack of trust in Aya's goodwill towards him'.

"Well, I was hoping you'd fix my press... after that... little misunderstanding before." Aya answered. I decided to read her heart momentarily, and found out that Dawitsu had only recently destroyed the reporter's printing device, which made me even more baffled as to why Aya would be a good enough person to allow for writing good news about the man.

Dawitsu mumbled, "I'm not fit to do that."

However, something seemed to stop him, as if, for whatever reason, his purposelessness was motivating him to do something worthwhile, and he soon changed the tone of his voice, "Okay... I'll do it. On one condition... no stories about me, okay? I want you to leave me, and my house, alone... got it?"

Dawitsu lifted his head from the table as he issued his ultimatum, looking at Aya with his black-bagged eyes. It seemed to be this which informed the unobservant, yet good-hearted Tengu of Dawitsu's Melancholia- a word which here means 'excessive sadness due to the loss of someone precious, although nowhere near as precious as Bertrand, my eternally lost friend'- and prompted her to ask, "What's wrong?"

Dawitsu, however, was cynical of the Tengu, 'cynical' meaning 'unable to take the idea of the gossip-mad Tengu being anything other than a media mogul bent on getting her next story'- and wryly asked, "Looking for more material?"

"No, I'm not. Please, tell me..." Aya asked, and I did not need to use my third eye to tell she was telling the truth... her eyes gave it away.

However, Dawitsu was not maintaining eye contact with her, and so continued to assume she was just after gossip, "Hmph! Only if _you _tell _me _what you were doing with your press when I dropped by..."

Aya, despite her concern and quite clearly good motives, accepted that giving away such a virile secret- 'virile' meaning 'involving pistons, valves, and lips making contact with said pistons and valves'- was not the best idea, so accepted a compromise, "...okay, I won't ask what's wrong."

Aya helped Dawitsu up from the table, holding his hand as he stood up. She even brushed him down in the same way a mother would to her scruffy child... the two then left out of the hole left by Aya's entrance, and I managed to follow them for a while, however, there came a point in which I almost blew my cover, as it seemed there were some other people following the pair...

I converged paths with Ran Yakumo and her shikigami, Chen. They looked at me, and it was clear that they thought I was tailing the Mimicker and Reporter also. However, I made sure that thought did not continue... I suddenly turned ninety degrees, and stared off into the sunset, which, due to the altitude, looked rather glorious, however, my true concern was not the sunset, but the people I was following.

Seen as, in my attempts to throw the Kitsune and Nekomata off the scent, I had lost sight of my primary targets, I realised I would have to follow the people following my targets instead, a practice I gladly put into action...

Ran Yakumo was walking at a slightly brisk pace, her Shikigami alternating between jogging and power-walking just to keep up. Looking down at her feline protégée- a word which here means 'person under the training of the one calling them protégée'- she said, "Hmm. I wonder if that creature we just passed was a Satori or not... Yukari told me all the Satori lived in the Underground, but perhaps some have escaped?"

Chen seemed gleefully oblivious of my appearance, "Really? I thought she was just another Youkai of the mountain, looking at the sunset..."

"No, she certainly had a third eye... anyway, our new master seems to be going to that Tengu's house... I wonder why?" Ran mused to herself.

"How do you know he's our new master, Ran-sama? Has he already agreed it with you? You're so smart, Ran! I'd never have thought to be so prepared..." Chen asked optimistically, a word that means 'assuming perfection of her understandably not perfect mistress'.

Ran's ears seemed to fold themselves back underneath her hat, "...well... not exactly, Chen. That's why we're following him, we're going to ask him now. I know he'll say yes, he's just lost a Shikigami... he'll probably need one around in his life if he's anything like Yukari-sa... um, Yukari..."

"Oh. So he will say yes, won't he?" Chen asked eagerly, "I hope he has a bigger house than Yukari's... and I hope he lets me play with mice in the house..."

"Well... I'm not sure if he'd allow that..." Ran seemed to be mildly humoured by this despite her lethargic demeanour- 'lethargic' meaning 'without energy, most likely due to doing nothing but searching for potential new mistresses none stop throughout the day and getting rejected from each one'.

The rest of the walk was an arduous- 'arduous' meaning 'tiring'- and tedious- 'tedious' meaning 'so boring, it was tiring'- one, and so I failed to write anything of note until the Fox and Cat reached the Tengu's house. Once they did, Ran did the customary gesture of knocking on Aya's door.

After a short wait, the voice of Aya shouted, "Come in!"

As there was no other way to observe them, I walked around the house to gaze at the four participants of narrative- a phrase meaning 'pawns in the hands of fate'- through the window, and this conversation ensued:

Aya was the first to speak, "Oh, Ran Yakumo! What brings you here?"

"It's... Dawitsu we're after. Also, please don't address me as Ran Yakumo any more..." Ran Yakumo requested, suddenly filling me with guilt as I wrote her surname down.

"What... do you mean by that?" Dawitsu asked, his tone of voice alone indicating confusion.

"Well... my term with Yukari Yakumo is over. I am no longer her Shikigami... the last task I had agreed to do for her was fight you..." Ran muttered, her heart state seeming to indicate apprehension and nervousness, "The point is... well, I wanted to ask you..."

Chen, however, seemed to have been undaunted by her mistress' multiple rejections, and asked the mimicker conspicuously- a word which here means 'not inconspicuously', "Ran-sama wants to be your Shikigami!"

It was at this point Dawitsu's heart sank faster than an anvil made of lead in a pool full of oil, and for good reason. When one tries to replace something you have lost, but loved dearly, it is very hard to accept such a replacement, be the thing your favourite golden ring, your beloved pet Iguana, or your spleen, and thus, Dawitsu reacted in a way seeming to be one of ungratefulness.

"No... no... you can't... you can't replace Yutaka..." Dawitsu stammered, his voice wavering more often than the Hakurei Border.

Aya had started to connect the dots between the fighting Ran had mentioned and the now apparent loss of his Shikigami, however, her agreement with Dawitsu had made it infeasible- a word which here means 'of positive Gibb's Free Energy'- causing her to regret agreeing not to publish any stories about the mimicker.

Ran was not to be defeated, however. The day had been long for her, and she was after anything but rejection this time around, "Please! I'm sure there's some use for me! I could polish your shoes! Shine your Tokin! Take on me! Take me on!"

And, totally at random- a phrase meaning 'an event of high entropy'- Dawitsu burst into somewhat unfittingly melancholic song, "I'll... be... gone... in a day or TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

His pronunciation of the word 'two' tailed off into a hysterical cry, and he began to mull over his situation in tears, "Oh, Yutaka would have loved that... God, it's only been a day, and already I miss her like a hole in the head! Fine, be my shikigami... just... show up and clean the mansion every now and then, I don't care..."

Ran seemed to have noticed that her attempt to replace someone who may well have been his only friend had seriously disconcerted him, and did what many a neutral person would do- a phrase which here means 'offered her condolences', "I'm sorry..."

The Kitsune soon left the house, her childish Shikigami following after her. Aya and Dawitsu seemed to stay at the Tengu's house, but I was not concerned about that. The fact was, with Ran heading most likely straight for the Dawitsu Mansion, I wanted to know what she was up to far more so than her new master...

**Author's Notes: **I... I had to get Dawitsu and Ran to each tell their version of the story to me in order to get a fuller picture... for example, Ran didn't talk at all about how Dawitsu initially rejected her, it's almost like she didn't want to think about it... and can I blame her, really? If the reviews are anything to go by, she sees Dawitsu as _far more _than just a Master... oh, it's tragic, isn't it? Love is so unrequited... always...

**Typist's Notes: **What's with the wistful sigh, eh, Hebiko? Momiji Inubashiri here, once again! Um... just to clarify, what that nice Frenchman said... it's kinda true, I only really want to deal with Hebiko from now on... so, yeah, I'm gonna get that Jean fellow to come in and type for me while Tokage's here. Don't worry! I'll split the profits! I'm not a liar or anything!

**Reviews for Chapter Eleven:**

Yutaka Hadekawa: Argh! Love doesn't _have _to be unrequited! He's... he's right there! Take him! Take him! Just... just put your face close to his over the Chessboard the next time you play against him! Do I have to physically force you two into this? Nggggh! So frustrating!

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Whoa, is that last review really Yutaka speaking? She must really want us to get together, eh, Hebiko? Guess we have no choice, heh heh heh... no, no, I'm kidding. It'd just be weird, us two, right? Anyway, about the story... yeah, Ran over-romanticised it. But at the same time, I wish I had just accepted her without a doubt... I feel so horrible now, considering how things turned out... I wish I wasn't such an idiot, she was probably really hurt by that rejection, wasn't she? Especially if she'd been rejected from many other people, too...

Ran Y/a/k/u/m/o Dawitsu: Master, don't blame yourself... you loved Yutaka in a way I failed to understand... as far as I was concerned, a Shikigami was expendable and replaceable, and I thought I was strange for caring for Chen as I do... but... but clearly, that wasn't the case. I shouldn't have tried to replace her like that, but then again... if I didn't... things wouldn't have turned out the way they did... where would I be now?

Marisa Kirisame: Ooh, that would actually make a good fanfiction! Wait 'til I tell Tokage about this!

Tokage Reiketsu: I hate to pour cold water on Marisa's kind gesture... but, oh, who am I kidding, that idea's horrible. I mean, where would the shipping opportunities be in that? Where's the conflict? Where's the dramatic possibilities?

Yukari Yakumo: Hidden from idiotic minds like yourself... and it's better that way. I wouldn't want someone like you ruining that perfectly good idea...


	13. 12: Chapter Twelve

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Twelve**

_I _imagine that many humans that are unable to fly consider the ability to fly to be an amazing one, one which allows the user unlimited freedom and liberates them from the shackles of gravity. However, if you are a youkai which has been able to fly since you could say the word 'antidisestablishmentarianism', you will know that once one gets used to the power of flying, it is no more liberating than eating paper from the charred remains of houses so as to remove evidence of conspiracy of arson. You merely confined to a larger prison, that is, the atmosphere. And so, despite the fact I was flying through the clear, black night sky in pursuit of the newly christened Ran Dawitsu and her shikigami, Chen, I did not find much in the way of satisfaction beyond seeing nine orange fox tails fluttering in the wind and two brown cat tails. Despite the boring transition, I persevered, presuming they would do something interesting...

Fortunately for myself, that was the case, and upon them reaching the strange floating mansion, they opened the now entirely conspicuous- a word which here means 'does not render one looking like a mime when trying to open it'- door without any hint of permission. I did not call them out on this, for it would be hypocritical- a word which means 'suitably opposed to my own acts of entering without permission'- to do so. Instead I played the misanthropic observer, as per usual.

Almost as soon as she entered the house, Ran walked from room to room, seemingly acquainting herself with the lower floor of the house as well as she could, before Chen pointed out the strange grey doors that lined the main corridor of the 'ground floor'- the inverted commas being applied due to the floating nature of the mansion.

Nodding at her Shikigami in acknowledgement, Ran wondered out loud, "I wonder if these are doors... if so, how do they open?"

If you are a child, especially a human child, you will be told by your parents not to press buttons which are unfamiliar to you, due to the fact that they may well do anything- 'anything' here meaning 'potentially dangerous things such as activating death traps, starting up unintentionally dangerous machinery, and making terrible cups of coffee.'- and they are correct. So, should any children reading, be warned: for what Chen was about to do was neither intelligent nor safe.

Chen proceeded to press a button that was unfamiliar to her, and said, "What does this do?"

Ran was about to shout 'Do not press it', but due to the fact that Chen had already done so, she simply shouted, "No, Chen! That button could do anything! It could activate a death trap! Or start dangerous machinery!"

However, her speech, which was most likely going to end with 'Or make terrible cups of coffee', was cut short by a loud rumbling sound echoing throughout the mansion. It was most likely more noticeable due to the stunned silence exhibited by the pair of animal Youkai, and both Ran and Chen embraced each other in fear that they had just triggered their own deaths.

However, just as Ran said, "Chen, I want you to know that I've always loved you..." the event which approached them manifested itself- a phrase which means 'anticlimactically appear'- it was not their own deaths that had been triggered, but merely one of the many silver doors on the corridor walls opening.

Chen let go of Ran first, and said, "I... I love you too, Ran-sama! Look, the door's opened!"

Ran's head formed a large, rather obvious bead of sweat upon itself, as if she was a character in a Japanese Animation instead of a real-life person, and she laughed softly to herself, "I... thank you, Chen. Hmm. So, these buttons, next to the doors, they open their applicable doors... but they only lead to these tiny rooms..."

"Look, Ran-sama!" Chen called precociously- a rather old-fashioned word for 'so irritatingly childish that you can't help but find it endearing enough to almost blow your cover and pinch the little ruffian on the cheek'- as she pointed to the space above the door, "The sign! It says something in western letters! Is it 'Lift'?"

The cat Youkai was indeed correct, and upon reading the name to clarify, Ran said, "Perhaps these rooms can move up and down, as in they can lift us from one destination to another... if so, that would explain all the noise when you pressed the button... the Lift was descending to this level."

"Wow, so this Dawitsu man has special rooms that fly? That's cool! Should we see what's up there?" Chen asked, knowing her mistress' answer already.

"Yes, let's..." Ran answered plainly.

Due to the tiny size of the so-called 'Lifts' of the mansion, I could not follow them directly, and instead, I waited for the lift to return to me after they had used it. I have no description of use to you for the interior of the transportation device beyond 'grey, with a motivational poster saying 'Come here for privacy!' and a set of buttons, one of which was already lit up'. I was fortunate enough to have been in a position where the others did not see me exit the Lift, but I myself could hear where they had gone.

Their voices could be heard coming from a room with it's door wide open. Deciding to look in through the obvious gap, I saw the following:

Ran was searching through the bedroom, and noticed there was a large amount of clothes lying on the floor in a somewhat messy manner. Opening a wardrobe, she hung up the applicable clothes so as to tidy up, as she had been ordered to. Chen, on the other hand, was simply looking at every item which aroused her interest- a phrase meaning 'a rather sleek-looking shaving razor, a mirror, a can with an opening at the top seemingly designed to disperse fine particles, and a framed picture'.

Chen called out to her mistress, "Ran-sama! Ran-sama! Look! It's that girl which we saw when we delivered the letter for Yukari-sama..."

Ran stopped her shikigami with a stern look, "Don't call Yukari 'Yukari-sama' any more, Chen... I know you were used to her, but we're going to try our hardest to fit in here, okay? Anyway, who is it?"

"Look! A picture! It's got that pink haired girl on it..." Chen picked up the framed picture from the bedside table, and showed it to Ran, who seemed to be suffering from some sort of allergy to photographs, for the moment she saw it, her face turned bright red.

"Why... why would he keep... a photograph of his shikigami? Is he really... that caring of her?" Ran held her head downwards, "That... makes no sense... hold on, if I want to be his Shikigami, I'll have to look the part, won't I?"

"But, Ran-sama, I don't dress like you..." Chen pointed out, albeit in a childish way.

"But, Yukari always dictated what I have to wear! If his former Shikigami dressed like this, he probably wants me to dress like that too, judging from former experience..." Ran mumbled, "Doesn't that make sense?"

"But, Ran-sama, he could be like you are... you don't make me wear anything..." Chen mused, unsure if she was actually correct. Hindsight proved that, not only was she correct, but if Ran had listened to her Shikigami, she would have actually been spared some additional grief.

However, searching through the labyrinthine- a word which here means 'so large that they actually required an orienteering guide to fully explore'- wardrobes, Ran could not find any of the longer-sleeved variants of the outfit shown in the photograph, and couldn't find any of the black skirts whatsoever. However, there were several rooms beyond this one, and this fact was what caused the Kitsune to leave the room in search of the appurtenant- a word which here means 'one which used to house the pink-haired girl on the photograph'- room, and in the process, almost revealed myself. Fortunately, she headed in the opposite direction to my own, which was just as well, as she had found the correct room, almost as if her intuition- a word which here means 'tendency to judge things correctly with little evidence to evaluate said thing on'- was fine-tuned to the point of it being fate that she got it right.

The room the Kitsune and Nekomata entered had a carpet that was light blue in hue- 'hue' meaning 'type of colour' and not the name of my idiotic acquaintance who unfortunately died in a house fire- and had a neutral grey colour covering the walls. The bed was spectacularly well-made compared to the other room, and the main objects of interest included a small, rather unsettling doll that wore a sailor suit and has frizzy red hair, a small backgammon board, a pin solitaire board, and a framed picture showing her standing on the Eiffel Tower- a pair of words meaning 'an excessively large piece of art constructed in the outside world, which many people consider to be a great place to propose marriage to their lovers on top of'- with her ex-boss. Ran stared at the framed picture intently, observing the expression on her new master's face. He quite clearly wasn't concerned with whoever was taking the photograph, and his focus was entirely on the comparatively short woman he had his right arm around. The woman in question had a small, convivial- a word which here means 'entirely content with where she was'- smile on her face, and, due to her closed eyes, it was unknown from the picture alone where her focus was.

Although I myself saw no reason to tear up, Ran certainly did so, something which left Chen rather nonplussed- a word which here means 'wondering why the figure she always looked up to for strength and advice was crying at a simple picture'- and prompted her to ask, "Ran-sama? Where do you think the cloths will be?"

Obviously in her own world- a phrase which here means 'entirely focused on contemplating what on earth a person would be doing embracing their Shikigami as tenderly as one would their friend'- Ran came into reality again, and swiftly opened the nearby wardrobe door, gasping as if she had been spotted doing something reprehensible- a word which here means 'far worse than contemplating what on earth a person would be doing embracing their Shikigami as tenderly as one would their friend'- and found the intended outfits. She presumed that, judging by how large the cloak fit on the former shikigami, that she would easily fit into the cloak. However, upon inspection of the somewhat Lilliputian- a word which here means 'intended for residents of Lilliput'- skirt that normally would have reached Yutaka's knees, but would most likely only reach halfway down the considerably taller Ran's thighs, the Kitsune considered perhaps wearing something else underneath it, but in the end, settled for the exact same outfit as her predecessor.

At this point, I stopped watching, as Chen was sent out of the room, presumably to give Ran her privacy as she changed into her new outfit. It was due to this forced absence and my own strange thought pattern that caused me to decide on leaving the Dawitsu Mansion, and instead use my time to check on Yukari Yakumo's house... for as this Shikigami was metaphorically- a word which here means 'symbolically, but also literally'- changing her clothes, there was another Shikigami who was... rather than choosing to 'change her clothes', was forced to, and it was her plight which caused me to shift interest, and I left the strange floating mansion without issue, flying through the foggy morning sky towards Mayohiga...

**Author's Notes: **I asked Mister Dawitsu and Miss Hadekawa to show me their bedrooms for research, and, well... I honestly didn't expect that Yutaka would have a doll. It's... well, at least I find it creepy. It's cold... staring eyes. It's called 'Raggedy Andy', according to Yutaka. She seems to love it to bits, apparently Dawitsu's seen her hugging it in her sleep... the fact that Dawitsu knows what Yutaka looks like when she's sleeping disconcerts me a little as well... you know what, that house is weird. Very, very weird. The most normal person there is Ran... but I guess I like how weird it is... something keeps drawing me back there...

**Typist's Notes: **I'm... truly at a loss for words. I'm bored. I've just been typing, and I haven't got a single snarky comment to say, not a single thing to laugh at, not a single witty quip to quote... damn, I guess I need a compromise- what's more important, my sanity, or my entertainment... which one wins out may determine whether or not that poor French guy gets a break or not...

**Reviews for Chapter Twelve:**

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Hey! Hey! The only reason I know what Yutaka looks like when sleeping is because one day she was having a lie in, and I decided to get her up because it was one in the afternoon... she was still fast asleep when I went in her bedroom, and there she was, hugging Raggedy Andy. She looked so... so... GAAAAH! So cute! (His nose began to bleed, for some reason. Maybe it's a guy thing?)

Yutaka Hadekawa: How can anyone find Raggedy disturbing? He's cute! He's adorable! And so what if I sleep with him at night? Everyone has their own little secrets... also, I remember the time the Boss and I went up the Eiffel Tower... oh, and the Boss held my hand and said he was just making sure I didn't fall... even though by that point I'd learnt how to fly... oh, he's so... goofy. I think that describes him perfectly. Which is why, _Hebiko_, you should totally get with him. He's goofy, you're not, he likes reading, you like writing... come on! Just try it! _COME ON!_

Yukari Yakumo: If he's so great, why don't _you _get with him, Yutaka? Hmph, I can't believe I once saw something in that girl, she's too soft... I mean, sleeping with a doll? Anyway, Miss Hebiko, aside you _not _getting with that idiot, I am a little concerned with how little I'm in this story titled 'The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo'. Oh well, I guess that means there's less opportunities for you to butcher my personality like... certain authors.

Tokage Reiketsu: Hey! Hey! I'm smart! I know you were aiming that at me! What do you mean butcher your personality? I'm brilliant at judging characters! You're simply too innocent to see how innocent you are! Stupid Yukari!

Yuuka Kazami: Damn, she was here, wasn't she? Oh? I just missed her? Thank you, Wolf Tengu... if I decide to take over Gensokyo, perhaps I'll give you an exclusively honoured position, like royal advisor...


	14. 13: Chapter Thirteen

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Although _some people consider the number thirteen to be unlucky, I for one find it far less unlucky than another number: one. One is the loneliest number in the world, a singular with nothing else to humour it. Zero is a nothingness, it isn't there to experience the loneliness that one does. For example, as I, one person, sit in my house feeling as sorry for myself as I usually do, loneliness consumes my singular mind like a hungry Night Sparrow feeding on a tasty-looking human. However, one number is far more laden with cataclysmic implications- a phrase meaning 'possibility of horrible events, namely torture, poisoning, and arson'- than both thirteen and one: two. If the number two makes itself manifest when referring to the amount of people present in a situation, the potential for sadness and hurt is all the more increased. This is due to the fact that, in the privacy of the home, most people are not at all pleasant. And in the presence of a mere single other person, these unpleasant characteristics are still somewhat uninhibited- a word which here means 'the urge to set fires to various small, flammable objects is not being withheld by the presence of a large crowd of people'- however, there is now another person do experience you in all your unpleasantness. And, similarly, the second person will not hide their unpleasantness either, and you will feel the full effect of their unpleasantness. Thus, upon seeing that there were only two people within Yukari's house, I soon predicted that there would be a great deal of unpleasant, unpleasant shenanigans- a strange word meaning 'events'- to observe through the window.

Yukari seemed to be resting her head on a fine, plushy- a word which her means 'filled with soft feathers, most likely plucked from an unfortunate bird'- pillow, while her body was supported by a large, cream sofa- that is, a sofa coloured like cream, not a sofa made of cream- was fanning herself overtly. It was as if she was milking as much relaxation as possible out of the freshly instated Shikigami that was walking into the living room.

Yutaka Hadekawa seemed to have changed clothes into a Chinese-style outfit, as if to fit in with Yukari's similar outfit. Her expression on her face superficially- a word which here means 'as if viewed by a moron'- was a small smile, but any Youkai above the age of twenty could tell that this expression was a simpering falsehood- a phrase which here means 'not a real smile'- and she was holding a small platter of buffet foods.

"Here you go, Yukari-sama..." Yutaka mumbled subserviently- a word which here means 'as if beneath the most likely far greater Border Youkai'- as she kneeled to below Yukari's level. Yukari grabbed a sausage roll- a phrase which here means 'a small puff pastry-based treat containing the meat from various different animals including pig, horse, and goat'- and opened her mouth as she seemingly decided to start eating.

Yutaka's expression briefly changed to a genuine smile, before Yukari's eyes aimed themselves straight at the usually over-competent Shikigami, and after sniffing the tasty, meat-based treat, Yukari threw the sausage roll at Yutaka, "Hey! I saw what you were doing! Trying to slip tranquillisers into my food! You're smart, Ran never tried anything like that... but not smart enough!"

Yutaka didn't respond, as she was on the floor, frantically tidying the scattered pieces of puff pastry that had fallen from the flung sausage roll, and after using her much-disliked new outfit as a method of removing tallow- an unusual word meaning 'the delicious, fatty substance that permeates any pastry-based treat such as sausage rolls'- from her irritatingly youthful face.

Yukari, seemingly enjoying the sound of her own voice, taunted her Shikigami's futile attempt to spike her food, "Oh, giving me the silent treatment, eh?"

The Border Youkai proceeded to stand up, towering over the kneeling Yutaka the same way a cat towers over a mouse that has no means of escape beyond attempting to slip tranquillisers into the cat's food, and grabbed Yutaka by the shoulders, lifting her clear off the ground, "_Listen to me _when I talk to you, got it? You'll come to respect me... but..." Yutaka dropped Yutaka into a gap, which warped into a wall, throwing the Shikigami onto the floor behind the border Youkai, "...if you don't, you'll soon wish you did respect me earlier..."

Yutaka stood up, and attempted to look Yukari in the eye, but her fear of the domineering bully caused her to evade eye contact- a phrase meaning 'to avoid looking into a person's eyes, usually due to guilt or disgust with the person you are avoiding looking at'- and, being a considerably bigger person than her height would indicate, she left the room calmly, walking with a slight limp as she did.

Moving to a window in which I could see Yutaka, I could say I most certainly observed the often brutal consequence of two people being alone together... one of the members becoming considerably upset with the other.

Yutaka had gone to her bedroom, which still had various remnants of Ran's presence, as well as her old outfit, deliberately placed in a transparent, totally accessible container. It was as if it was there to remind Yutaka that even though she was once Dawitsu's Shikigami, if she ever dared reminisce- a word which here means 'revel in the no doubt plentiful memories which she had of spending time with her best friend'- she would be very much culpable- a word which here means 'liable to no doubt horrible punishment at the hands of the unnaturally mean-spirited Border Youkai'. Placing her hand on the glass container, Yutaka hung her head downwards, and began to cry.

Crying, contrary to popular opinion, is not a pastime of the weak, nor is it a reprehensible thing. When one experiences great sadness, one of the most healthy things to do is cry, and not only cry softly, but wail, and let out the bottled up emotions which would normally eat at one's psyche until nothing is left but misery. Not crying enough is one of the many reasons why, instead of getting over the death of my adorable, potential friend Bertrand like a normal person, I am now a misanthropic excuse for a being who would much rather remove herself from her own life and become a disembodied narrator to cope with my own sadness. And so, when I saw Yutaka crying, not only did I not feel any condemnation towards her, but I also wished I could enter the room myself and tell her that things were going to look up- a phrase which here means 'get moderately less unfortunate'.

However, I did not decide to do this, instead focusing my efforts on Yukari, for she shouted something that caused me to decide to follow her instead.

This shout was, "Yutaka! I want you to have prepared a large cooked meal for you and I by the time I get back! In the meantime, I'm going to the Netherworld. If anyone asks, I'm _sleeping._ Got it?"

Yutaka, who was still sobbing in front of her azure- a word which is simply a flowery one for 'blue'- former cloak, picked herself up, wiped the tears from her eyes, and walked downstairs. By the time she had reached the living room, Yukari had already vanished, leaving the number of individuals within the house at the more fortunate One.

Of course, seen as she had announced her destination, I followed Yukari in the vaguest sense of the word, and entered the Netherworld effortlessly once again. It occurred to me that it would be far less tiring for me to fly up the flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights of stairs than climb them, and so upon reaching the only location in the Netherworld Yukari ever seemed interested in in record time, I observed from the window once more.

Yuyuko seemed to glance briefly at me, and so almost instantly switched to her idiotic façade- 'façade' meaning 'a word which has already been defined in this book for you'- as the real visitor walked in through the front door.

"Ah, hello, my good friend! Say, have you ever wondered what vampires taste like?" Yuyuko asked Yukari, who, for whatever reason, seemed exhausted, as if she'd been preoccupied with other things.

"Well, no, but what has that got to do with the current situation?" Yukari asked back.

"It's just you visited the vampire the other day to organise the thwarting of that innocent decorator..." Yuyuko mumbled, "...where is the vampire now? Do you think I could catch it now?"

Youmu Konpaku walked into the main room of the house from the kitchen, "My apologies, Miss Yukari. The Mistress has been acting stranger than usual..."

Yuyuko covered her face with a fan, and her eyes seemed to indicate a certain frolicsome quality- 'frolicsome' meaning 'most likely willing to play with both the straight-forward half ghost and somewhat intelligent Border Youkai's minds'- as she said, "Ignore Youmu. She's been acting ever so strangely. It's like she's been driven crazy by the full moon... anyway, what have you come here for?"

The truth- as revealed by my third eye- was that she had simply come here to ease her boredom, but Yukari thought that Yuyuko would find such behaviour odd, and so decided to use the opportunity to brag, "Ha! Well, I was just coming over to tell you that... you know that new Shikigami? She's perfect. She leaves every plate she cleans spotless, makes tea so close to perfection that I think I prefer it over Ran's already... and she eats so little. Plus, without Chen running around, the house is so calm... she's brilliant, I tell you..."

Yuyuko started to giggle, but stopped herself, "Oh... I'm so happy for you, Yukari. So, are you sure you will never see anything of Ran ever again? She seemed somewhat upset at your departure without formally dismissing her..."

"Oh, is that so? Well, I showed her the door when she showed up the other day, so... so I think she's not coming back." Yukari answered dubiously- a word which here means 'keeping up an essence of sureness even though she was actually unsure of whether or not she would be correct'.

"Ah. I hope she wasn't too upset. Anyway, the more pressing matter is this: how would I catch a slippery, fast vampire? I just want one to eat... you wouldn't be able to help me, would you, Yukari?" Yuyuko mused.

Her words had an obvious meaning for those able to see into the future, but for those unable to view such things, such as Yukari, she was simply rambling about her gluttonous- a word which means 'so loving of food that they would eat it even when they don't actually need to'- desires once again. And so, assuming this was the case, Yukari simply shrugged off Yuyuko's comment, "Well... it's just they're so quick... even I have trouble catching up to them. Maybe when they're in the sun, when they're weakened, would be a better time to catch them?"

"...hmm. Yes, perhaps. I hope no vampires fight back when I go hunting..." Yuyuko mumbled, seemingly saddened by her inability to eat a vampire.

Youmu, however, was more concerned that her mistress seemed to have had her heart set on the idea, "Mistress! Yuyuko, you can't just hunt vampires! They're an endangered species here!"

"Don't you have band practice with your Half-phantom friends soon?" Yuyuko asked in an obvious attempt to change the subject.

It was at this point I realised there was going to be nothing beyond an irritating back-and-forth- a literary phrase meaning 'a conversation that simply consists of the same two phrases said slightly differently each time between two parties', and decided to pay Lunasa Prismriver a visit, and we ended up discussing the evils of sentient beings for hours until her exuberant- a word which here means 'sickeningly cheerful and happy-go-lucky'- younger sister Merlin came along, casting an unwanted orange glow into our otherwise dark and drab conversation...

**Author's Notes: **Yutaka had a really hard time talking about her time under Yukari. Similarly, Yukari seemed equally shifty about the whole ordeal, it was hard getting much out of either party. It seems Yukari regrets whatever she did to Yutaka, and Yutaka certainly wants to forget about it... I mean, I've never seen Yutaka so tense. Also, Yutaka, please stop playing Waltz Music while Dawitsu and I are in the same room together. It's so obvious he's likes you better anyway... I mean, even if I did like him that way, there's no way I could ever compete with you...

**Typist's Notes: **What the hell is 'Waltz Music'? Is it like, music made by someone named Walter? I mean, I had to ask Hebiko for the spelling of it. Is it like, some sort of dance? The Waltz? Doesn't seem too catchy if it is...

**Reviews for Chapter Thirteen:**

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Um... Hebiko? Were your feelings hurt by my remarks about Yutaka in Tokage's book? Because... I was just being playful, that's all... wait, hold on, why would you be so insulted anyway? I mean, it's not like you... like me or anything, is it?

Ran Yakumo: Why is the Master so oblivious about these things? Also... I can vouch for what happened to Yutaka in the early parts of this chapter... it certainly seems like something Yukari would do...

Yutaka Hadekawa: I _knew _the boss would upset Hebiko... oh well, the damage is done. Fine, I'll stop with the waltz music... but still, you two need to dance together at some point, even if it's only the Salsa. Oh my, I haven't been Salsa-dancing in so long... um... also, about the start of this chapter. It's... all true. I remember being thrown by Yukari very well... she's certainly strong... I'm glad you didn't say I was weak for crying...

Yukari Yakumo: Um... I... I guess... I guess I'm... hey! Hey! Yutaka, come here! Please! Okay, Typist, I want you to type this all up, so it's on record... look... Yutaka, I'm sorry. I'm... I'm sorry! Happy now? I still hate your boss, he's an ugly, moronic plagiarizer with no real skill... but what I did to you... I really shouldn't have done. I... I guess I've... learnt my... lesson? Wow, that seems strange coming out of my mouth... I don't think I've ever... ever said that.

Yuyuko Saigyouji: Oh! Did I miss something? It would seem Yukari is upset about something, the border of melancholy is noticeably tenuous, for even I am feeling a little depressed... fortunately, I know what the cure for depression is... Mystia Lorelei! Okay, I need to find her deliciousness now... come on Youmu, to the forest!


	15. 14: Chapter Fourteen

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Chapter Fourteen**

_As _you probably know from your experience on this Earth, humans, especially young ones, are foolish. They are foolish enough to run into dangerous situations without fear of the ramifications- a word which here means 'brutal maiming or death'- that may manifest themselves in response to their antics. What many people fail to overlook is that Youkai children are just as fatuous- a word which here means 'foolish'- in their outlook on life, but happen to be more resistant to brutal maiming and death. Another fact that many people overlook is the fact that Youkai children can remain juvenile- a word which here means 'not fearing of brutal maiming and death'- for far longer than human children due to the lack of consequences for idiocy. So, naturally, it only makes sense that if a particularly immature... yet powerful youkai child were to walk out into the world, obliviousness- a word which here means 'lack of knowledge of anything beyond blood cakes and flaming wand-shaped swords'- clouding their vision, they would most likely cause a great amount of destruction. Due to my reading of Yuyuko's heart, I figured out that her constant allusion to a vampire hunt was actually an allusion to a certain vampire... one that was far from mature... leaving her house.

Naturally, I slept before this, as I had unfortunately stayed over at the Netherworld's noisiest sleepers' house, the Prismrivers, meaning a second session was required. After this, I waited at the only area in Gensokyo in which there was vampires- the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

Observing what was occurring through in the main hall, I firstly noticed Aya Shameimaru talking to an unsettlingly still Remilia, almost as if she was a simulacrum- a word which means 'an extremely still replica of the real Remilia'- and not the real article. As I was unable to hear what was said, I was shocked to see the effigy be kicked over by the Tengu, just a moment before the unsettlingly immature younger sister of Remilia, fully ebullient- a word which here means 'standing up and moving, as opposed to lying on the ground, fully paralysed'- appeared in front of the Tengu. Surprisingly, this seemed to shock the reporter- a word which here means 'publisher of salacious gossip'- and cause her to talk with the younger sister of the two vampires in a clearly disconcerted- a word which here means 'not concerted'- manner.

Without any visual cue, the strange young vampire, for whatever reason, picked up her sister, and began to use her as a puppet. This queer- a word which here means 'strange', as opposed to 'homosexual'- practice not only seemed to achieve nothing, but was also swiftly abandoned by the odd Youkai child, and soon the young woman- a phrase meaning 'actually older than myself'- flew out of the mansion. Seconds later, Aya did the exact same, however, they dashed off in a different direction to the one used by the vampire.

I took this opportunity to observe the statue of Remilia for myself, only to find that it was either the actual Remilia trapped in a paralysis spell, or a sentient statue that came from nowhere. Assuming the former, I read the paralysed Remilia's heart, and obtained the following...

'...how could... how could that idiot reporter let Flandre go like that? Why on earth did Patchouli do this to me in the first place? They're going to pay _so much _once they get back... I'll _make _them unfreeze me! I'll... uh... ah! Who's that in my peripheral vision? Hey! Will you help me? Who are you?'

Since all I could determine was that the resident bookworm- a word which here means 'a type of larva that exists in the spines of books'- had cast some sort of paralysis spell upon the now very much helpless vampire, and that thanks to her lack of influence, a great destructive force had been released into Gensokyo.

Allow me to explain apathy. Apathy is what occurs when one does not care about a particular situation. For example, I could have very possibly cared about the potential for extirpation- an eloquent word for 'the ravaging wave of deadliness no doubt capable of wiping out most life in Gensokyo'- of Gensokyo, I did not, and did not feel the desire to stop the destructive influence of the jejune- a word derived from the French for 'childishly obnoxious'- vampire, hoping that, if I were to show apathy to the situation, I would be one of the last things to be destroyed.

However, as is a tendency of sentient beings, I decided to rubber-neck- a hyphenated word meaning 'extend one's neck over a dangerous and most likely horrific incident for no other reason but to gawk at the gruesome results of such an incident'- over the potentially interesting cases of destruction that could make themselves apparent.

Following the obvious trail of ruins left by the ingenuous- a word that should never be confused with 'ingenious'- vampire, I managed to catch up to Flandre Scarlet in the Forest of Magic. She was standing in front of the house of Alice Margatroid. It would be at this point that a good person would have ran into the unsuspecting puppeteer's house, and begin shouting in hysterics- a word which here means 'warning of the vampire of wanton destruction outside Alice's house'- to warn Alice of the vampire of wanton destruction outside of her house. However, I am far from a good person, so I sat back as Flandre slashed at the house mercilessly.

Eventually, as one would expect, the owner of the house exited from the clearly under attack building carrying Marisa Kirisame in her arms for whatever reason, an event to which Flandre responded, "Hello! I'm just playing with your house! I'll give it back, don't worry..."

Alice remained remarkably- a word which here means 'unrealistically'- calm, and replied, "It's no good if you give it back broken..." but, during her pause, Alice remembered something that caused her calmness to shatter into a million pieces in a similar manner to my conscience, "...NO! My dolls!"

Placing the seemingly incapacitated- a word which here means 'most likely injured by several knives that had impaled various painful-yet-non-fatal-to-stab areas'- human witch on the ground, Alice ran back into the house, while Flandre continued to slash at the house unrelentingly- a word which here means 'without relenting'- and somehow came out again unscathed, carrying a pile of dolls. Shortly after this event, the red and white shrine maiden- a phrase which here means 'incident resolution manager'- known as Reimu Hakurei appeared on the scene, causing Flandre to abandon slashing the house and bolt- a word which in this context means 'dash away very very very very very fast', not 'a line of electrical discharge from negatively ionised air to positively or neutrally charged air'- from the situation. While Reimu seemed to be sticking around to talk to the puppeteer and her witch companion, I decided to be the one to keep track of Flandre.

Seen as she had dashed away very very very very very quickly, by the time I had caught up with Flandre, she had already destroyed one gravestone, fifteen trees, a monument once commemorating a hero of old, thirteen frogs, a boulder, and a bag of plums that I had dropped on my way to visit an old friend of mine back in the days when I had them. Holding my forgotten bag of decimated- a word which here means 'hopelessly massacred' as opposed to desiccated, which means 'deliciously ground into more edible, easy to sprinkle chunks'- plums in a brutally butchered form of Nostalgia, I continued to follow the trail of destruction, allowing me to witness a great many evils that for the good of anyone who has dared to read this terrible book up until this point I shall not name specifically, only that it involves Reimu Hakurei stopping the spreading of a dangerous fire which was most certainly not caused by myself and a tiny marble splitting into a million pieces.

Eventually Flandre's rampage came to a grinding halt, as despite following her trail of destruction to Mayohiga, I could not find any evidence of any similar subjugation within the village itself. This caused me to lose the location of the elusive younger sister, so, out of sheer boredom, I decided to snoop- a rather idiotic-sounding word meaning 'what I have been doing for the entirety of this book'- on Yukari's house. It was at this point that the foregone conclusion- a phrase meaning 'the fall which I have been mentioning to you since the beginning of this book'- made itself apparent...

Yukari was relaxing in her kotatsu, being served rather delicious-looking tea by her noticeably tired-out Shikigami. Sipping from the cup once it reached a temperate- a word which means 'of moderate heat, so as to be most satisfying to drink'- temperature, Yukari smiled with the acute- a word which means 'less than ninety degrees or pi-over-two radians'- joy that a brilliant cup of tea brings, and said, "That's just right, Yutaka... I'm glad you gave up that whole tripping up thing..."

Yutaka smirked weakly, as she had said a particularly trite- a word which here means 'hackneyed and unfunny'- joke, causing Yukari to search for the evasive punchline. It was as she swallowed a large gulp- a word which here means 'more than a sip'- of tea that she realised there was hair in her tea. Spitting the drink out, Yukari threw the cup onto the floor, and screamed, "JUST HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO GET THAT MUCH HAIR IN MY DRINK?"

Yutaka resisted the compulsion to laugh in the reddened face of the Border Youkai, and mused mendaciously, "Oops, that new haircut you gave me must have left a few loose hairs... sorry..."

Yukari opened a gap, staring at Yutaka with a rather strong dosage of hatred, and reached to grab the Shikigami, however, a knocking sound shocked both of them into turning towards the front of the house. Closing her gap, Yukari pointed towards the hallway, and commanded, "Yutaka, get the door... and do it right this time..."

Yutaka walked to the front door, and opened it. Shouting into the living room, Yutaka tactlessly beguiled- a word which here means 'lied'- to her Mistress, "Oh no! It's my ex-boss! Whatever shall I do? Yukari-sama, please save me!"

Yukari's expression fell to one of mild irritation, "What could he want?"

Forcing myself to readjust my position of voyeurism- a word which here means 'narration perspective'- I saw that the missing perpetrator of Remilia's freezing was at the front door, along with Ran, Chen, Sakuya Izayoi, and the aforementioned 'ex-boss' of Yutaka were all at the front door. Standing behind them was the other perpetrator of recent incidents... Flandre Scarlet. Yukari appeared at the doorway besides her Shikigami.

"Right, what do you want? If you're just gonna beg for Yutaka back, forget it... there's nothing of value you can give to me for her..." Yukari said, heading straight to the point.

Dawitsu, however, seemed prepared for this response, and said, "Oh... that's a shame. You see, there's a certain vampire that's been running loose, and she's right here... she's so desperate to play with your house, and I may be willing to stop her from doing so... of course, if your house isn't valuable, then I guess I have no problem letting her have her bit of fun..."

Yukari's expression seemed, strangely enough, panicked, and she stuttered, "You wouldn't dare..."

"Really? Wouldn't I?" Dawitsu smirked with pride, as if he was capable of taking on a titan, not at all thinking of the fact he was bargaining with the controller of all borders, "...well, Flandre, I'm not stopping you. She really is a big meanie after all..."

Flandre activated her large, black sword, giggling with anticipation- a word which means 'joy at the prospect of slashing up the house of one of, if not the most powerful entity in Gensokyo'- while Yukari fully lost all illusion of confidence, "No, no, stop! STOP!"

I didn't have time to read her heart before it fell back into her regular calm state, "Fine... fine, take her back. That's what you want, right? Just take her back. She's useless, anyway, too disobedient for my liking. Just what do you do to control her? You're an irresponsible Shikigami owner, and thanks to you, she's spoiled! Good day, sir!"

This phrasing didn't stop the still-excited vampire from attempting to start her first swing of her Laevateinn. Even though Dawitsu was trying- a word which in this context means 'failing'- to stop her with words, ultimately the act of burning down Yukari's house was narrowly avoided due to Patchouli Knowledge, who demonstrated the same mysterious move she must have performed earlier on Remilia, this time using Flandre to demonstrate.

Yutaka ran from the side of Yukari, embracing her freshly re-instated boss the same way a lost child embraces their parents. Dawitsu's voice seemed to become melodic, and he sang, "Oh... how I've missed you..."

"I've... I've missed you too, Boss..." Yutaka mused from the opposing side of the embrace.

Wearing an expression similar to nausea, Yukari turned away from the group, and slammed her front door while the group of friends left somewhat triumphantly home...

**Author's Notes: **This is more or less the final chapter, however, there is going to be a brief epilogue, as apparently after the events which this book is based upon Yukari went to the Netherworld to discuss where she went wrong... she says she forgot what Yuyuko had said, which means I'm going to have to ask Yuyuko what she said... and that's a task harder than getting Tokage to admit her books are terribly written tripe...

**Typist's Notes: **Ooh, harsh, Hebiko, harsh indeed. At least I know I'm going to make money out of Tokage's book... there are so many haters of that book that I've already made twenty thousand yen profit... and that's _after _deducting royalties that I gave to Tokage... okay, admittedly, a hundred of those sales were from Yukari alone, who dumped them into a Dimension known as 'Dimension D', but still, it doesn't mean she isn't making me money... AH! Oh... hello... Jean... so... you want your money?

**Reviews for Chapter Fourteen:**

Jean Franc Levoisier: I want... er... how do you say... my cut! You did say forty percent, so that is what I am after! How much have you made? Ten Thousand yen? Ah, so you owe me the four thousand yen... thank you, that is much better... see you later, Miss Momiji...

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Aw, you mean it's over? But what about my Backgammon escapades? Or the time I played Cribbage and Twister simultaneously with Ran and Yutaka and won? Aw... hey, what do you mean it's not interesting! It's very interesting!

Yutaka Hadekawa: I always remember my last prank on Yukari with fondness... I guess I... somewhat had the last laugh. Um... but since Yukari apologised, she's began to bring me supplies from the outside world for free... I hope she doesn't feel too bad...

Yukari Yakumo: No, no, it's nothing like that. It's just I... thought you could do with some authentic Japanese items instead of authentic Otaku items, that's all...

Yuyuko Saigyouji: I've actually found that acquiring information from myself is both simple and easy... you're just doing it wrong, Hebiko...


	16. Epilogue

The Misadventures of Yukari Yakumo- Episode One

**Epilogue**

_Yukari _appeared in the Netherworld, her expression more than a little irate at the fact she had not only lost her latest Shikigami, but also her prestige- a word which means 'her unsoiled, perfect reputation of getting her own way in absolutely everything'. It was as if her melancholy had grounded her, as, instead of taking the logical step of hovering over the flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights and flights of stairs, she simply shuffled up the stairs in a somewhat humdrum- a word which here means 'not really motivated to do much at all'- manner, an act that somewhat disturbed me, as my experience of Yukari had always been one that suggested she was a being of infinite confidence and success. However, this histrionic- a word which here means 'overly dramatic and somewhat unrealistic'- display of defeat and misery almost made me want to close my third eye to avoid taking up the dolour emanating- a word which here means 'transmitting itself from the sharp brain of Yukari Yakumo to the pained and wincing eye situated on my chest'- from the seemingly defeated Border Youkai.

Upon reaching the top of the excessively large- a phrase which here means 'worthy of repeating the same two words forty-eight times'- flight of stairs, Yukari walked up to her Netherworldly haunt- a word which here means 'the only place she'd really go'- and knocked on Yuyuko's house door. Naturally, the one who answered was not Yuyuko herself, but her much more diligent, easier-to-read- a term which here refers only to human and other non-Satori perception- half-ghost compatriot- a word which here means 'gardener, sword-instructor and general waitress or maid'- Youmu Konpaku. And, with minimum narrative interruption, I can say to you simply that Yukari sat down under Yuyuko's Kotatsu, despite Yuyuko not indicating such an action was permissible beyond, "Hello, Yukari? What brings you here on such a day?"

Yukari supported her head with her hands briefly, before cupping it in the aforementioned hands. Yuyuko proceeded to stare at the bleary- a word which can mean 'fuzzy and hard to distinguish' but in this case means 'exhausted of all will'- Border Youkai blankly until Youmu finally asked the question in both of the ghost's hearts- a word which here means 'will' due to the lack of blood existing in the deceased, "What's wrong, Yukari?"

"I... I don't want to talk about it." Yukari mumbled despite her thoughts showing otherwise.

Yuyuko giggled surreptitiously- a word which means 'often used incorrectly'- as if she had a third eye of her own, "Oh. In that case, I would like to tell you of a ghost I knew... as a human, she used to love eating..."

Yukari groaned beleagueredly- a word which means 'in a way that indicated she was not in the mood for mind games courtesy of her eccentrically dead friend', "...how did I know you'd have something food-related to say?"

"...because I like to eat." Yuyuko stated the obvious- a phrase which means 'a practice associated only with the foolish or those pretending to be foolish'- and continued with her story regardless of her friend's disinterest, "...anyway, this human enjoyed Chocolate Cake. She enjoyed it more than life itself... and one day, she went to the shop to buy a chocolate cake. However, the merchant there didn't have any Chocolate cake, and so instead, she bought a wonderful carrot cake. But, no matter how much she ate of the carrot cake, it didn't have the satisfaction of the Chocolate cake she so desperately desired..."

Yukari knew her friend was trying to make a metaphor- a word which means 'a thing that doesn't actually mean that thing, but in fact means a deep and hidden, different thing'- and so resisted the urge to discontinue Yuyuko's enthusiastic- a word which means 'an adjective rarely applied to cake'- telling of her no doubt overweight acquaintance and her cake tragedy.

"...so, in spite of the carrot cake's deliciousness, she did nothing but despise it due to it not being her ideal of chocolate cake. So, one day, this woman took her carrot cake to her cake vendor, and asked if she could return her partially eaten cake. Surprisingly the vendor said yes, on one condition- that she would swap it for a cake that would soon go stale, but was most likely still delicious. Upon the woman asking him to show her the cake she had to take, the vendor got out a wonderful, butter-cream-filled chocolate cake with a sweet, but slightly crusted over icing topping..." Yuyuko began to salivate- a word which means 'begin to secrete the initial digestive enzymes required to metabolise starch-based carbohydrates, namely amylose' as Yukari lost her patience.

"Okay, can we please get to the point of the story?" Yukari asked.

"Ah! Well, the woman took her chocolate cake home, and she lived happily ever after until her death." Yuyuko said with a serene- a word which here means 'at odds with the idea that this story actually had a meaning beyond cakes being delicious'- smile.

Disappointed at the story having no hidden meaning, Yukari asked, "Oh... that was it? How did she die?"

"Oh, you want to know about that? The cake was poisoned by the vendor, and she died." Yuyuko answered promptly, maintaining her serene smile as if she was discussing the weather, not an overweight and no doubt idiotic woman's death.

Yukari sighed. She knew the meaning, but, in a moment of patronisation- a word which means 'an action that undermines the intelligence of the hyper-intelligent Border Youkai, but not necessarily the reader of this book'- Yuyuko continued her story, "Once her ghost arrived here, she mentioned her one regret being that she hadn't just settled with carrot cake. Oh, and she also regretted not searching any other shops for cake, but I think she misses the carrot cake more than anything... some people just put too much emphasis on food, am I right, Yukari?"

Yukari smirked, "Yes, you're right, Yuyuko..."

Of course, I, as well as Yuyuko knew that Yukari was answering a different question to the one said. Although the question was still 'Am I right, Yukari?', the truthfulness of Yuyuko was referring, not to people's obsession with food, but something altogether different. A secret that Yuyuko, Yukari, and I would keep within ourselves... assuming that you are no more intelligent than Youmu, who was unable to figure a head or tail- a phrase which means 'understand the logistics of cake'- of what Yukari meant with that response...

**Author's Notes: **If you're wondering what all this is about, Yuyuko told me that this parable is what she told Yukari, and... surprisingly, I got what she was talking about. Heh heh... yes, it's about how you should never eat chocolate cake ever, isn't it, Momiji? Thank you for reading this through to the end, whoever you may be! I hope you haven't found this at all boring, or felt like punching the overly snarky narrator... although I did write her to be gratingly cynical and patronising, but I hope I didn't... you know, overdo it. Please tell me what you thought, guys! Oh, I can't believe this is it! My first book... published!

**Typist's Notes: **Okay, okay, admittedly it took me a few tries to get the meaning of Yuyuko's cake analogy, but now I know it's so glaringly obvious that I wonder how I didn't get it the first time... ooh, there's a lot of people here, isn't there?

**Reviews for the Epilogue:**

Mateyuu Dawitsu: Hmm. That's a good way to end this. I _love _your characterisation of Yuyuko in this! She's so smart and so whimsical that it makes me want to visit her every day just to give my brain a workout... I wonder if she's any good at Perudo...

Yuyuko Saigyouji: I am good at Perudo. I can count very well, you see. The hard part is trying to convince the others into thinking wrongly. Oh, I don't hide my ineptitude very well, do I?

Yutaka Hadekawa: Ah... reverse psychology. Unfortunately for Yuyuko's guise, I think Hebiko's right about Yuyuko. There's far more than the surface. If Yukari really _does _have trouble reading her... she must be good at what she does. I just want to give my thanks, Hebiko... you've made this book a wonderful trip down Memory Lane... and for that, I'm grateful. I would also like to thank you for fixing up Yukari and I's relationship... thanks to this book, Yukari seems to be on good terms with the Boss, something she wasn't before... although that may be in part due to how much fun they're having creatively destroying copies of Tokage's book together... regardless, I think you've done a wonderful job. Thank you, Hebiko...

Patchouli Knowledge: To add to Yutaka's review, I'd like to say I have greatly enjoyed your writing style. Being well-read, I know the definitions of most of words you 'defined' during this book, and thus had a good laugh at the deliberately incorrect or overly-specific definitions of the words. You remind me an awful lot of Daniel Handler in your writing style, and I can certainly say that's a good thing. Oh... now I'm remembering the Holiday that Yutaka took me on when I first read Daniel Handler's books...

Yukari Yakumo: I can certainly say Hebiko is correct. Yuyuko can be very vague at times. Most humans give away at least slight clues that show either denial of opposing characteristics of what they have just said or slight hints towards further aspects of the characteristics they have mentioned. I can honestly say Yuyuko can, at times, leave little to none of either. Although, she wasn't much different to that even when she was a human... except she was ever so serious, back then... sometimes I miss that part of her...

Marisa Kirisame: Hi. Sorry for... you know, saying this book sucks before. I was just being a stupid fan of Tokage's... I've given up now. In fact, from what I hear, Tokage's been visited by a mysterious man with reality warping powers! You don't think he could be a threat, do you? If he causes an incident, be sure that I'll be there to kick both his and Tokage's asses! I bet Tokage will be the fifth boss while he will be the final boss! I know it!


End file.
